resent towards parents for not getting me braces earlier

[amandajane]

I learn best when I do things myself, I am paying for my own braces. And it's definetly a hard learning process.

My story: viewtopic.php?t=31380[url]

Next adjustment in September.[/url]

[GiverSSJ]

I have just completed $7k worth of dental treatment over the past 2.5 months. I had 2 root canals and 2 crowns, 5 cavities filled, and 7 sealants. Unfortunately, my parents neglected my dental health and only took me to the dentist once when I was a kid at 11 years old. I'm 23 now. So I did go 12 years without seeing a dentist--no cleaning, nothing. I would have gone as an adult but didn't because I wasn't used to going to the dentist and I developed a fear/phobia of dentists. I have to take Ativan every time I go to the dentist now. Several months ago one of my back molars (tooth #2) cracked, which prompted my recent (3 months ago) dental visit. My parents are the type that believe you only seek dental treatment when you're in pain--I guess they've never heard of something called preventative care. I never had tooth aches or pain growing up so they didn't take me except that once. My parents would wait until their own teeth abcessed or caused severe pain before visiting the dentist. We/they didn't have a regular dentist so for an emergency they'd find a dentist in the phone book, call them up, and go in and get the tooth pulled and never visit that dentist again. Now my dad has dentures (he went to Mexico to have them pulled out) and my mom has had 5 teeth extracted. I am horrified that I was raised by parents who viewed teeth as optional or expendable. I can't help but resent them now, because if they took me regularly when I was a kid (we had dental insurance, never used it though!) I wouldn't have had to go through all of those treatments. Sure, the problems were fixable, but still the fact is that teeth that are filled are weaker than non-filled teeth, and I will have to replace those crowns down the line. It's not that uncommon for people my age to have had no cavities. I might have been one of those people if I had regular treatment. I'm not trying to complain (I mean, they did pay for the huge dental bill) but still...

Anyway, I managed to survive to adulthood with all my teeth intact. All 29 (1 wisdom) of them. My teeth are severely crooked and crowded and I have a tooth on top of a tooth which is very noticeable when I smile because it's right next to my front teeth. The midline on both lower and upper arches is very off. I have scheduled 2 consultations, one at a dental school and another at a private orthodontic practice. I have mixed feelings about getting braces. I need to straighten my teeth--they are really crooked. I'm just really resentful toward my parents for not taking care of this much sooner when I was a teenager. I'm going to be graduating college this year and am going to have to go look for a job with metal on my teeth--I'm not a candidate for Invisalign. Also, I'm just really worried that my parents might back out of paying for treatment when they find out how much it's going to cost. I don't have the money for it at all; I have my own school loan debt so there is no way I could afford to do this for years if they renege on their promise. That's a real possibility, that they'll back down. They told me as a teenager that they were going to get my teeth fixed one day. I've been hearing it for years now, that phrase "one day." So I have a very real claim when I say they owe this to me. Well, that day is getting closer and closer because I'm actually going in for consulations the first week of April. It's just really frustrating because my parents have this attitude that braces are cosmetic, for wealthy people, etc. and that as long as I have teeth, then I shouldn't complain. They said that my concerns about finding a job with bad teeth are blown out of proportion, and that employers don't judge people on their teeth, and it won't affect the chances of my getting a job at all.

I'm going to start going to the dentist regularly from now on. My mouth is in a healthy state now, free of cavities, etc. but will an orthodontist refuse to put braces on my teeth because I don't have an established history of seeking regular dental care? Like I said, my first visit in 12 years was back in January. I'm worried about this. I don't want treatment to be delayed or denied because of my lack of dental care in the past.

Terra, I understand where you're coming from. A lot of people are like this. I have seen a lot of people like this because I grew up in a working class neighborhood. For example, a boss I had for a long time was losing the teeth on the side of her mouth and didn't really seem to care.

Who said life was easy? My life wasn't exactly a "fairy tale". I grew up having to learn English(my grandmother spoke Russian/Ukrainan in the household so I learned that language first). Growing up, we had healthcare but wasn't exactly the best healthcare. I didn't learn I had "impacted wisdom teeth" until I was twenty-three years old when I went out of my town and went to this dentist who was in a "upper middle class" town/neighborhood.

The moral of the story is that you can make a diffference now in your mouth. That's what it means to be an adult: standing your ground. It's an excellent move to correct your teeth. You're still a young person. I, myself, an a young person and want to correct my crossbite this year.

Anyway, remember, you're still young. You can still correct this issue.

[yj207]

Not everyone has parents to take care of dental needs. You realize dental care is a luxury? I didn't have parents to take care of my teeth and I'm happy now that I can take care of that myself. I don't feel resentment toward my parents because they did the best they could provide.
You shouldn't be so harsh on your parents, just because you didn't get what everyone else got doesn't mean you should resent them so. Also you're an adult now, you could have taken care of your teeth on your own long time ago, no need to keep the anger. If you really wanted better teeth you could have taken initiative and brushed better. Does that mean it's your fault? No and it's not your parents fault either.

Taking care of your teeth is not rocket science, I haven't been to the dentist in over 10 years until recently and I had about 5 cavities and no major damage. Just like you can't blame your parents for not giving you allowance every week like every other kid, you shouldn't blame your parents for proper dental care. A lot of kids don't get it either. Also you should focus your energies on the improvement process of your teeth you are currently going through instead of getting angry over what should have been.

[shinyam]

I know where you're coming from, believe me. I went through a lot of aggravation and frustration over the last five years just to have normal teeth. My parents did the best they could, but that wasn't enough. They didn't think braces were necessary, when they were.

It's not going to do anyone any good by being angry. You have to let it go. Your parents made bad choices regarding your family's dental care out of ingnorance, much like mine, not out of malice or neglect. You are wiser, and underand the importance of prevenative care, and you place a high value on healthy teeth. Your parents did not, but that has absolutely no relation to how they feel about you. You have to believe that they tried their best.

[acidcookie]

I actually had "the talk" with my mother a few weeks ago and drove home how I felt growing up about my teeth. She felt horrible that I felt so much pain growing up and how my teeth affected my self esteem long term. It was emotional but needed. In the end she apologized. Maybe writing your parents a letter is a start. In the mean time, focus on the long (physically painful) road ahead.

Good luck.

[nutmeg2468]

I'm relatively new to this site but I felt the need to respond to this post. I grew up in a middle class household and my parents had insurance (including dental), however despite my wishes dentist visits were not a part of my life.

I was well aware of proper dental hygiene thanks to public school education and basic self respect. Despite the fact that I did not go to a dentist once in 18 years, my parents did provide me with a toothbrush and toothpaste. As soon as I turned 18 I took matters into my own hands and got dental coverage through the state. I had cleanings until the coverage ran out when I turned 19, and I made inquiries into orthodontic care. I had no cavities, no problems and dentists always remark on my healthy teeth.

I'm in my early 20s. I will be recieving my bachelor's degree next spring with no debt, thanks to years of hard work (read: good grades to maintain scholarships, full time job and full time classes). I have also had my braces on for 5 months.

My dad passed away two years ago, but my mom stepped in and paid for half of the treatment. She says she realizes this should have been taken care of years ago and wants to help. The thing is, I was not expecting the help and I am grateful for it.

Everyone makes mistakes- I am FAR from perfect- so what use is it to dwell on the negative? My parents meant well and did the best they could. Beyond that I took matters into my own hands.

Seriously, let it go. They may not have been proactive with your dental health, but they are YOUR teeth, and school was your choice. No one owes you anything.

Where there is a will, there is a way.

[amandajane]

but they are YOUR teeth, and school was your choice. No one owes you anything.

Where there is a will, there is a way.

Enough said.

[ngarner0717]

Oh how I feel your pain. Granted I don't have 100,000.00 in school loans to pay. But because my parents never took care of my retained canine, I'm going through hell to take care of it myself now and I'm 24 and a single parent. I've spent almost 10,000 on the braces and expose and bond surgeries. I'm hoping it will all be worth it in the end.

[momilani]

My mom is doing the whole mea culpa over NOT get my teeth straightened when I was a kid. My folks never had the money for that and I knew it. Knew it then and know it now.

I'm 58. My dentist has been after me for 7 years to get braced. He's over the moon that I finally took that step. And seven months in, so am I!!

And frankly, I'm kinda happy they didn't do it back when I was a teen. I remember what my friends went through back then, and compared to what I'm going through now (medieval as it feels the day of/after adjustment) I'll take the new technology thankyewverymuch.

Plus, nearly 6 decades of life experience lends me a perspective on the experience that an adolescent couldn't possibly muster.

The last time mom started in on the chest beating I joked that I could always forward her the bills. But of course, I won't.

[deville]

Ok, normally I'd not post in a topic like this, but I see some parallels in our stories and I'm so amazed by the difference in your attitude that I just have to put in my 2 cents worth.

I did not visit a dentist for over 17 years (from around the age of 13) due to lack of funds, and eventually a severe phobia of dentists. My parents did not encourage or discourage my dental hygiene practices and I learned most of what I knew from the dental nurses at primary school. At that time in NZ we had free cover to a certain age, but after bad treatment from a dental nurse over the period of 2 years my phobia was firmly in place and I avoided this treatment where possible.

At 13, I was forced to go have my final free consult by an extremely pushy dentist (I cried, couldn't sleep for days and tried to put it off) and then when I got there my worst nightmare was confirmed when he then referred my parents to an orthodontist. After the ortho visit, my mum asked me whether I wanted braces. I said no for two reasons, 1) I was terrified 2) I knew that they really could not afford them. So, my wonky lower arch stayed as it was and my slightly imperfect upper arch too and I kept up my sporadic dental hygiene practices for a good 10 years post this, despite knowing better.

At around your age my wisdom teeth came through and the slightly imperfect upper became a nightmare, but I couldn't afford to have them fixed and still had my phobia. I waited another 7 years, my phobia growing worse along with my teeth, until about a year and a half ago, having finally finished paying off my own student debts, I decided to turn my habits around and have since become a regular at the dentist, had all my very early childhood fillings replaced, have had my wisdom teeth removed, 4 2nd premolars taken out and have been fully braces for 10 months. And there's been a lot of emotional pain along the way that I had to work through.

The difference I can see between you and myself is that I take full responsibility for all of my choices and actions and I've never had a drop of resentment towards my parents for the state of my teeth. Hindsight is a great thing, but the reality they have their reasons for not taking me to dentists etc and I respect those reasons, whatever they were. It was my decision to not look after my teeth, they were mine to care for, not my parents. My parents would have taken me to the dentist had I asked (but I never did), and I would never dream of expecting them to pay for my dental treatment now. My parents did not give me braces, but they gave me immense love and understanding, a roof over my head, food, clothing, a car when I got older, loans when I ran out of cash as a student or didn't have a job, and the knowledge that they would do anything for me (and I for them). I wouldn't trade braces for that relationship ever.

And one other thing, while my teeth bothered me, they have NEVER impacted on my career prospects and I have a great job, surrounded by great people, almost all of whom have imperfect teeth.

I seriously feel you need to start looking at things in a different way. Focus on what they did give you, accept some responsibility, and most of all get over the anger and resentment because it's a really unattractive quality.