feeling alone- unsupportive husband

[Anna5]

Just to share with you that I feel a bit sad lately because my husband is so unsupportive about me having braces. He also doesn't understand that my teeth/jaw did (and still often does) make me feel self conscious. He is totally against jaw surgery (which fortunately may not be necessary anymore, except maybe some smaller chin surgery to fix my lip incompetence if muscle exercises don't work).
When I told him I am concerned about me mouthbreathing almost all the time and my lip incompetence, he laughed and said that it is ridiculous to be concerned about that. I felt so misunderstood, because for me it IS a something I am concerned about and I want the best for myself and yes, my health and appaerance does concern me. It feels like I don't have the right to be concerned about my teeth/jaw/breathing, because otherwise he gets angry...
On Thursday I am going to see an ENT for my breathing problems, but I don't dare to tell my husband about this.... This also makes me anxious, what if the ENT find something that needs (surgical) fixing?
I know he doesn't mean bad, that he loves me the way I am and therefore doesn't see the need for me to change, but still it makes me sad that he seems not be able to understand my concerns and feelings.
Sorry for the rambling......

Anyone else with this same problem or do you all have supportives husbands?

I want to thank you all so much for your support, it means so much for me in this otherwise lonely struggle.

[oimysizex]

Hello Anna! I'm so sorry to hear your husband isn't supportive. I do get where you're coming from, but it's my parents that are unsupportive, my mum will often say 'oh you don't need it' or 'you cant even tell your jaws messed up'. Your husband is probably worried about the risks rather than him being unsupportive, he probably thinks its unnecessary because your teeth/jaw isn't life threatening etc; perhaps bring him along to appointments? Even if he is unsupportive you shouldn't not go ahead with anything if you WANT it go for it, Maybe show him stories or articles (similar to your personal case) on the potential risks or problems for not going ahead with certain procedures.

You should tell him about the ENT appt, but remain firm that you are still going, I know I'm not in your position but, I DO understand, surgery or other procedures do require alot of thinking about and your husbands support matters but if he wont give it to you perhaps look to family members for support.

Sorry for the incoherent sentencing, I wanted to get everything down before I forgot what I wanted to say!
good luck

[msw]

My boyfriend is unsupportive. We met and became friends pre-braces, then reconnected and began dating post-braces. He thinks they're totally unnecessary and is completely uninterested in my treatment.

[Shxyshun]

My husband isn't supportive at all. He thinks that it's silly, it's a waste of money and that it's completely unnecessary. There is no way these braces would be happening if I weren't paying for them myself. I don't let it bother me, I did it for me not for him.

[Anna5]

Hello,

Thanks for your kind, supportive messages. I am sorry to hear that your family/husbands are also unsupportive.
The only one who is supportive is my mother. Although she also thinks I don't need braces let alone surgery, she is supportive because she wants my happiness and wants me to do what makes me happy. She is always there to lovely listen to me when I find it hard to cope with the braces/ self conciousness.
I agree with you all that we should do what makes us happy, whether our husbands are supportive or not. It is about our teeth, our lives, our happiness, not theirs...
I wish everybody who feels alone in their journey lots of strenght!

[Ataerys14]

I am sorry to hear this, but I think its an important post, its a very personal thing and I feel sometimes others just dont get it - I have randomly burst into tears about my teeth many a time

My partner of 7 years said "your teeth are the same as when I met you" which to me isnt exactly unsupportive but when I burst into tears and explained to him how unconfident my teeth make me he melted and told me he was with me 100% and it was my happiness and long term health that mattered.

I know they mean well but its really less about how they feel and more about how you feel. I realise now that whether he was supportive or not I can not live with my teeth the way they are and expect to retain any confidence

Best of luck

[Anna5]

Thanks for your encouraging reply, Ataerys14. It is hard when others, especially significant others, don't understand it....
I sympathesize with all of you in this situation.
My husband even gets angry when I tell him my teeth makes me feel unconfident. He tells me that nobody notices so I should not bother or be depressed or obsessed over it.
But I am glad that I got treatment any way and I have decided I will get all my issues fixed, even if it means surgery and him freaking out about this. This is about my life and my happiness, and in a way my happiness is also his happiness, so this is also for him.

[chichi]

My boyfriend is supportive, but it didn't originally seem that way. Pre-braces, he would tell me I didn't need braces, no one else will ever notice, it's a lot of money to risk feeling even worse when treatment is done, etc. It turned out he didn't want to be super supportive of it because he thought it would make me feel like I NEED braces. His options were to either tell me I look fine the way I am or to agree that my teeth were awful. There was no way for him to win so he went with his best judgment.

It's hard to comment on someone else's relationship, it's possible you just need to have a conversation.

[Featheryy1221]

I'm so sorry that you feel like this and that he's not being supportive.
I've lucked out and my family and friends are extremely supportive me now, but for a while my parents would tell me my "teeth weren't bad," and that they weren't noticeable. I also had a boyfriend a couple years back that whenever I'd mention how I couldn't wait to get braces, he would tell me that I didn't need them and that he liked my smile the way it was.
I think the problem in the case of significant others is that they fall in love with everything that makes their significant other unique, so sometimes when people want to change what makes them "unique," they don't get it. Or they just want you to "be happy the way you are."
I would try to talk to him about how you feel. Maybe mention why you've gone through all of this and the positives from this experience so far.

I've personally found it's easiest to keep focused on the ones that look at braces as a positive thing. My best friend is my biggest supporter and she got so excited for me when I got started with my treatment. She knows how much I wanted braces and how much it ruined my self esteem over the years.
I know it's hard because he's your husband, and you want him to be supportive, but try talking to him. If he still doesn't try to understand, focus on the positive things your mom tells you.
I hope it gets easier.

[Anna5]

Thank you so much for your loving, encouraging, understanding messages.
I went to the ENT today (without telling my husband, I was too scared to tell him) and the ENT said I have a deviated septum and it may good to consider septoplasty and conchotomy surgery to improve my breathing. Sadly, I am more afraid of my husband's reaction than of the surgery. But I should tell him now. It is definitely time for a good talk now....

[mollycat]

I'm fortunate to have a very supportive husband. Initially, we both were against surgery, but as we both learned about it, we've become more comfortable with it. He still focuses more on the risks involved, because he doesn't want to see me hurt, which I understand & appreciate. For me, the key was to think through the possible long-term effects of not doing it, and both of us learning about those. For your breathing issues, it may be easier to find evidence of the problems that can cause over time. There is some information about long-term impacts with orthodontic problems, but those are less clear.

Another thing that I've noticed over time is that in some ways it can be harder to be the one who sees a loved one in pain or discomfort. When you are the one feeling bad (recovering from surgery, etc.), you can find ways to get your mind off it, appreciate small improvements, etc., but the person trying to help you through it just feels bad for you (and isn't taking pain meds, etc.)

Good luck finding a solution that you and your husband are both comfortable with.
Molly

[Anna5]

Thanks for your message, Mollycat. I am happy that you have a very supportive husband! That is so important, especially if you have to go through surgery.
My husband is not home tonight, but I think we definitely have to talk this weekend...

[Anna5]

My husband had already noticed that there was something in the air, so he wanted me to tell everything. I have told him (almost) everything in tears about the ENT appointment, about my deviated septum and possible nose surgery, but he was so lovely.He said if the ENT doctor says this, then it is medical and not cosmetic at all, and then he is OK with it. My plan is to go to see another ENT doctor soon for a second opinion, and if both doctors agree I may substantially benifit from nasal surgery, I think I will go for it.

Thanks you all so much for your support. You were right that we just needed a good talk. It is still difficult that my husband cannot understand my cosmetic concerns, self-consciousness about my teeth, but for now I am very happy that we didn't freak out about the ENT consult.

[kathydell]

Hi Anna5. I'm glad you had a conversation with your husband. I'm sure he didn't mean to seem unsupportive. When I first got my braces on a few people, my fiance included, kept saying I didn't need to do it. And, I'm a case where it was painfully obvious that I needed to do it since my bottom teeth were all overlapping each other and had pushed one so far out that it became a snaggle tooth. After really talking with him, I learned that he loved me the way I was and didn't want me to feel like I needed to change my looks. Do what will make you happy and keep the conversation open. There will be times, however, that our significant others are just plain tired of hearing about us talk about our braces and other associated stuff. That doesn't mean he doesn't care or doesn't support you. Sometimes it means they're just tired of hearing about it just like we are when they talk about something they're interested in over and over and over again. Be patient.

[Featheryy1221]

I'm so glad that your talk with him went well.
Good luck with your future appointments! I hope everything continues to get better.