feeling alone- unsupportive husband

[Anna5]

Thank you very much for your wise and encouraging messages, Kathydell and Featheryy1221. You are right, Kathydell, that we should be loving and patient with our significant others, they can get tired of us talking about our teeth so often whereas they are not interested in this (they love us just the way we are).

I just find it hard that my husbands tends to get quite angry at me (because I want to fix my teeth/jaw) and doesn't understand why my teeth make me insecure. He doesn't see the problem whereas it brings me lots of grief and stress.

I am going to see another ENT tomorrow about my breathing issues. I am quite nervous for this as well, but still find it hard to share this with my husband although he didn't seem unsupportive. But he is totally fine with me mouth breathing, so for him I don't need to have surgery.

[djspeece]

I'm glad your talk went well, Anna. We men are a weird bunch. It's possible on some level that he thinks you are seeking to become more attractive, and he may perceive that as a threat to the relationship -- that you are getting ready for someone else. It's crazy I admit but I know a lot of guys who would think like this, way down deep inside. His comment about your need of a septorhinoplasty as a medical necessity vs cosmetic is somewhat telling. As others have mentioned, he married you for who you are and what you looked like, and may need some time to adjust to the change. Have you considered counselling?
BTW I had a septorhinoplasty done many years ago and it made a huge improvement in my breathing. I had sustained various traumas to my nose via football and encounters of a violent type. It listed to the left slightly, really only noticeable when one viewed it from the nostrils upwards. Ironically I was in charge of an ENT unit, and was very familiar with the procedure but put it off until I was ready to leave the command on orders. Wished I had done it years earlier. As you likely know they can also repair any issues you have with the bridge of your nose as an added benefit when they are working on the inside issues.
And best of luck to you.

[Featheryy1221]

Good luck with your next appointment. I'm sure your appointment will go just fine! Perhaps your husband (if he can) should go with you to one of those appointments. Maybe if he hears for himself from a professional in the field the benefits you'd get from surgery, he might start to warm up to the idea even more so. Sometimes men don't seem to understand things until a professional tells them something. lol. They can be stubborn.
Keep positive!

[Anna5]

Thank you very much for your kind support, djspeece and Featheryy1221.

Djspeece, it is indeed good to know that men are different from women. And my husband just loves me the way I am, inside and out. For him I am perfect, straight teeth/ jaw or not. That is great to realize but sometimes also hard because I feel not happy myself about the way I look. I already have counsellling, which helps a bit, but unfortunately not enough to feel really happy in my own skin. That is good to know that the septorhinoplasty helped your breathing so much! I hope it will also help my breathing, if I decide to go for the surgery. I only want the septum surgery, no rhinoplasty. I am not seeking cosmetic improvement for my nose (although my nose is definitely not a 'model nose', it is big with a big bobble on it, but I inherited this from my mother and therefore I feel happy with my nose). But I would love to be able to breathe better.

I will go to the ENT appointment on my own tomorrow. I don't really dare to ask my husband to join me, I think that is too much support, more than he is willing to give me. He has never offered me to go with me. He is quite busy with his work, so that may play a role. But still a bit hard to be stressed about the appointment and not getting real support.
Thank God we have this forum!

[samoorelaw]

So sorry you aren't getting the support that you deserve. Well, WE are here and support you! I myself am going through this experience alone (it feels that way, especially since I don't know anyone who has had my surgery) but my grandmother is as supportive as they come: she thought my teeth were perfect before but since she knew this was what I wanted, she supported me throughout this braces and jaw surgery process.

[djspeece]

Thank you very much for your kind support, djspeece and Featheryy1221.

Djspeece, it is indeed good to know that men are different from women. And my husband just loves me the way I am, inside and out. For him I am perfect, straight teeth/ jaw or not. That is great to realize but sometimes also hard because I feel not happy myself about the way I look. I already have counsellling, which helps a bit, but unfortunately not enough to feel really happy in my own skin. That is good to know that the septorhinoplasty helped your breathing so much! I hope it will also help my breathing, if I decide to go for the surgery. I only want the septum surgery, no rhinoplasty. I am not seeking cosmetic improvement for my nose (although my nose is definitely not a 'model nose', it is big with a big bobble on it, but I inherited this from my mother and therefore I feel happy with my nose). But I would love to be able to breathe better.

I will go to the ENT appointment on my own tomorrow. I don't really dare to ask my husband to join me, I think that is too much support, more than he is willing to give me. He has never offered me to go with me. He is quite busy with his work, so that may play a role. But still a bit hard to be stressed about the appointment and not getting real support.
Thank God we have this forum!

The rhinoplasty is not necessarily just about cosmetics, so make sure you clear up that issue with your surgeon. The bones may need to be realigned in order to open up the breathing passages. Like you I was not seeking the perfect nose (on my imperfect face) but they basically need to take your nose apart in order to fix it properly. Fortunately the medications they provide make completely oblivious to what is going on (I had it done with conscious sedation) and really smooth things out in a big-time way. Best of luck to you.
Also, when I mentioned counselling I was thinking more about couples counselling, not just for you.

[Anna5]

Thanks for your kind messages, Samoorelaw and Djspeece.
I am sorry to hear, Samoorelaw that you are also going through this process alone. But I am very happy that your grandmother is lovingly supporting you. My mother does the same. She doesn't think there is anything is wrong with my teeth/jaw, but she supports me anyway because she wants me happy. She said she is even willing to pay for jaw surgery for me if that is what will make me happy, that is so, so loving of her.....

I went to the ENT specialist today. The doctor was very kind, she recommended a turbinate reduction because my turbinates seem to be too large. She is still not sure whether my deviated septum needs fixing, because as far as she could see the deviation was not too serious. She first wants to examine my nose more thoroughly (looking deeper in my nose) and test me for allergies before deciding about this. I think this is fine. My next appointment is the 16th of May and then we will decide what is best to do.

Djspeece, you may be right that couples counselling is a good idea for us....

My husband didn't ask me at all about how my ENT appointment went (He knew I was going there, and that I was a bit nervous for this). He might just have forgotten to ask it, or it is just disinterest, but it makes me sad. Of course I could (and I think even should) have told him about it myself and it was not good of me to 'test' him, but on the other side, it makes me angry that he is not feeling with me at all, even a tiny bit. He is furious about the possibility of jaw surgery (everytime I raised this topic in the past he became so angry, even to the point of putting our wedding ring off his finger, this was one of the reasons I decided against jaw surgery), he is not interested in my braces treatment at all, doesn't understand why I feel self conscious about my teeth/jaw because 'nobody sees it'. Maybe I should not expect more than this of him because he surely loves me the way I am and doesn't want me to change? Or is it reasonable to feel angry in my situation?

I am sorry for this depressive talk. I just want to thank you all for your support here on this forum!

I wish all of you who are going through this journey alone lots of love, courage and strenght.

[SunshineRay]

Oh Anna, sometimes I just want to hug you!

[cata]

I'm so sorry. :( Although, I don't know what it's like to have an unsupportive husband (mine has been quite supportive), my parents never really were. I grew up feeling very insecure about my crooked teeth and open bite... so much that I felt like I couldn't fully be myself around people. I was teased and people judged me by the way my teeth looked. I wanted braces as a child, but my parents felt that my crooked teeth weren't THAT bad, definitely not bad enough to spend the money on braces. In reality, my case is now a surgical one that wouldn't have been if I had gotten it corrected when I was a child. Having not-so-nice teeth is a big deal when it affect's one self-esteem. It's easy for one to brush it off as not a big deal when they're not the one dealing with it on a daily basis. I think it's totally reasonable to be angry and understandably so. Spouse's should be loving and supportive when we decide to do something that is positive for ourselves, something that makes us feel better about ourselves, even when they don't quite understand it. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm glad that you at least have a supportive mother.

[Anna5]

SunshineRay: that is so loving, I wish I could get your hug!!! I want to thank you so much for all your love and encouraging support towards me, you are so lovely. I wish we could meet each other one day, but I guess we live far apart from each other (I am from the Netherlands....)....

Cata, welcome to this forum! I am so sorry for you that your parents were so unsupportive and have never taken their responsibility to get your teeth fixed and therefore letting you growing up very insecure about your teeth. I am also very sad that you were teased because of your teeth.... That must have been so hard for you as a child.I am very happy that you are getting your teeth fixed now and that your husband is supportive, you deserve this so much after all those hard years of self consciousness.... I wish you very good luck with your treatment, we are all here to encourage you!

[Katieshh]

Just read through this thread and wow, I can't believe I'm actually not alone in feeling like this.
Like most of you, my jaw placements and teeth/lip incompetence have been the BANE of my life. There's not a single day I don't think about it/feel self conscious about them. Yet my parents whenever I've mentioned about jaw surgery have always been of the mind set, "there's nothing wrong with you, you don't need surgery, stop making a fuss and so on". It makes me feel like all this emotional pain and worrying and low self esteem is unwarranted and figment of my imagination and it feels awful like my worries aren't important. Yes it may not be anything life threatening, but it is certainly self esteem bashing and something that effects our lifes/confidence on a daily basis and that IS important.

I've seen a consultant a couple of times in the last re surgery/braces and never gone any furthur than that because I have felt so unsupported but this time I will go ahead with it, because it's ME who has to live with this jaw daily, not anyone else.

I'm so sad you feel unsupported anna5, i hope your husband comes round and understands how this may not be a big deal to him, but it is to you. You can't put a price on feeling comfortable in your own face!

Xx

[Anna5]

Thank you very much for your loving and supportive message, Katie. I am sad that you are feeling the same as me, the same self consciousness, that this jaw problem takes away so much joy of our lives..... All the emotional pain, and nobody really understanding it. It makes me sad that you feel unsupported by your own parents....
But that is very good that you are strong now and are getting your teeth and jaw fixed. It is good that you are chosing for your happiness now, because YOU and how you feel about it IS important, no matter what others think about it.
I hope and pray that I will get the courage to get as strong as you, that I will get the strenght to stand up against my husband and chose for my happiness, even if it means surgery (which is not sure whether I will get this or not). But I want this to be my choice and not others deciding for me that is is not a big deal whereas I have to go through the emotional pain everyday.

[parapian]

I'm so sorry your husband is not supportive!

But does he understand that your misaligned bite and breathing are of medical concern?

Not only that, I know your bite (and possibly breathing) got that way because of your thumb-sucking (like mine) and that basically means that it's not even genetic, but a problem that your dentist did not address when he should have. We both should have been sent to an orthodontist at age 8, if not earlier, to stop our habit and allow our bite to get fixed by itself. If our dentists had been smarter, we wouldn't be in braces now.

Still, let's assume our problem *is* genetic (as opposed to caused by external factors): somewhere down the line, facial balance is often considered more attractive, so it's no wonder that we are insecure about our looks, because we know our face has a degree of misbalance because of our teeth/jaw. And if that misbalance can be fixed with braces or jaw surgery, why not?

And, heck, cosmetic-schmosmetic. What's wrong with feeling attractive? If you feel attractive, you'll feel more confident around your husband. And isn't confidence the sexiest thing?

[Anna5]

Thanks for your very kind message, parapian. I don't think my husband realizes that my teeth/bite are of medical concern. And I cannot really blame him for that, because the ortho has told us in the beginning that my treatment is not medically necessary. I don't have root exposure or wear of my teeth, things that are usually associated with an open or bad bite. I do have some jaw clicking, but as long as I have no pain, my ortho doesn't see this as a big concern either.
My husband does realize a bit that my mouth breathing is not so healthy. Therefore he is not so much against nasal surgery or spray or whatever. As long as it it not cosmetic surgery (he sees jaw surgery as cosmetic surgery even if it can help with better breathing).
He doesn't understand that I feel self conscious about my teeth, because he thinks nobody notices my 'bad teeth'. And in a way he is right, when I ask people nobody seemed to have ever noticed anything wrong with my teeth or thinks I have bad teeth. But for me, it feels different and I think that is all that really matters, that I feel happy with my own face.
As Katie says my bite problems are definitely not anything life threatening, but for my emotional health and wellbeing, my happiness, I feel it is important to get this fixed. My husband getting so angry about something I feel so sad and self conscious about, thus not getting any support, makes ths journey very hard for me. But I have now decided to go for my happiness and don't let me stop fixing something just because he disagrees or gets angry.

But how about you, parapian? I hope you get all the support you deserve!

By the way, I have been feeling very guilty and embarassed about thumbsucking very long (I know it is too bad, but I dare to tell it here that I only recently since having braces completely kicked the habit and I am almost 40 years old).... But now I realize that my dentist and parents should have helped me as a child to kick this habit. They never did and I didn't know it was so bad to suck my thumb, it just gave a good feeling and comfort. It was a big shock for me that thumbsucking was the cause of my jaw/teeth deformity, something that seems to be so innocent.... How do you feel about this, parapian?

[parapian]

That's so interesting that your orthodontist doesn't see a medical problem with your bite. Even clicking is not good. It has nothing to do with pain, but rather long-term problems. And just because you don't have wear now doesn't mean it won't come later. An open bite is pretty serious. It's not just one or two slightly crooked teeth. Not to mention the fact that it causes functional problems, like the inability to properly bite into food and speak (which is pretty serious, considering that that's how most of us communicate). Then again, my old dentist never saw a problem with my open bite either. It was my new dentist who warned me that things would get worse if I didn't fix my bite. And two orthodontists that I went to (plus a potential surgeon) said the same thing.

I'm also seriously wondering whether your midline being off center is also causing you breathing problems. I'm only guessing that if your midline was where it's supposed to be, it could also shift your nasal septum back to where it's supposed to be. I could be completely wrong, but maybe it's worth looking into, or at least push your orthodontist to fix your midline and then see if it makes a difference to your septum.

As for sucking my thumb, I somehow forced myself to quit when I was 10 or 11 (I started feeling self-conscious and "too old"), but it was already too late for my bite. And then I spent the next 25 years or so covering my open bite and often unsuccessfully attempting to cover up my lisp. I don't blame my parents (or family) for not weaning me. How were they supposed to know? But I do somewhere blame my dentist for not telling my parents to wean me or not referring me to an orthodontist as a teenager. Yes, sucking my thumb was the most comforting ever, but after not having sucked it for more than 25 years now, I don't miss it at all. I found comfort in other things.

Again, I'm really sorry your husband is not supportive. Everyone deserves support and especially when this is such an emotional and important journey for you. I can honestly say that I've been very lucky in that department so far. All of my friends and family have been supportive. Some have been actively involved in my progress (they're always excited to see changes) and others not at all, but everyone has been supportive. And I don't even hide the fact that 1/3 of the reason I'm doing this is purely cosmetic. I got tired of hiding my bite, my lisp, and seeing a misbalanced jaw/profile. And as my bite is improving and my lisp is subsiding and my jaw/profile are beginning to balance out, I'm so much happier and don't regret ONE second of this!