Metal Mouth Message Board

I wish I'd had an Ortho-English to Real-English translation app when I started, tho I've always enjoyed riddles. So, in the spirit of paying it fwd to all of the newbs and those thinking about it, consider this a basic ortho-speak translation app with a really crappy user interface and no Siri voice:

Ortho: "You may feel some pressure."
Translation: "This is gonna hurt."

Ortho: "This is a slot-filling wire."
Translation: "This is definitely gonna hurt. A lot. I'll pretend to have sympathy."

Ortho: "Polishing" or "slenderizing"
Translation: "Transforming enamel into enamel dust while leaving behind dark gaps where white enamel used to be."

Ortho: "One month."
Translation: "Three months."

Dentist: "Six Month Smiles!"
Translation: "There was only time to cover six months during the weekend course in Hawaii. I wasn't accepted into an orthodontic program, so I'm not sure what to do beginning month seven."

Ortho: "estimate"
Translation: When discussing time - "Total guess. I might as well use a random number generator," except when discussing payments, then - "accurate within a penny."

Ortho: "You're never too old for treatment!"
Translation: "You're so old, just be thankful you're not dead already. Your geriatrician will be impressed with your treatment results."

Ortho: "Soon."
Translation: "Not in your immediate future." Unless discussing discomfort, in which case: "Immediately."

Ortho: "Elastics."
Translation: "I know that I never mentioned elastics during your consultation, but this is what they are and I need you to wear them at all times for the next year. Again, I'll pretend to have sympathy. You may begin to resent me. I don't care."

Ortho: "Clear brackets."
Translation: "Clearly not."

Ortho: "Ceramic brackets are so discreet, no one will notice them at normal talking distance."
Translation: "...if you're talking to someone from across the room (dimly lit), or answering questions from the stage, or are wearing a ski mask."
Translation II: "...if you eat clear food."

Ortho: "Damon self-ligating brackets don't have ligatures to stain, so eat/drink what you want."
Translation: "...until I start using powerchains for the next year. Oh, forgot to mention that. Yes, they stain. Sorry."

Ortho: "Invisalign is nearly invisable."
Translation: "...until I need to put 17 attachments on your front teeth."

Ortho: "That's interesting. It doesn't normally do that."
Translation: [ortho's thought bubble] "Hmmm, I guess we can just flush the original plan. Remember to smile and speak with confidence to the assistant, or else the patient will sense that I'm winging it now. He can smell fear. I wonder if I should call security?"

Ortho: "Lingual braces are the ultimate in discreet. No one will know you're having treatment."
Translation: "...until you speak. I hope you're fast with text/email/messaging at your job for the first month."
Translation II: "...until I give you elastics (giggle) and maybe glue a couple of buttons up front. Hahahaha, did I say discreet?"

Ortho: "20% of my patients are adults, so you have lots of company!"
Translation: "You'll never see another adult with braces while you have braces."
Translation II: "...but they're all women. Now that I'm thinking of it, you're the only knucklehead guy doing this in the whole world. But you have lingual and ceramic braces, so no one will know (cross-reference translation above)."

Oh that is classic, we'll door SFoD!

Pretty much hit the nail on the head.

lol, this is hilarious

Love this!

I neglected to include a couple translations from both ortho's and AW posters...

Ortho: "auxiliaries"
Translation: "includes everything that your ortho puts on your teeth, brackets, or wire that you weren't told about in advance. You will never hear this term used during consultations. Normally leads to increased ibuprofen and/or wax use."

AW Posters: "Wax is your best friend!"
Translation: "No, my best friend wishes me happy birthday and occasionally picks up the bar tab. Wax is more like a defense lawyer. You hope you don't need him, but if you do, he comes in handy, and when you're done you can't wait to get rid of him."

AW Posters: My braces "journey"
Translation: More like a "forced march" at the tip of a bayonet

Ortho: "Panoramic x-rays"
Translation: "An opportunity for you to bump your head on a machine - because it's still set up for the previous 4' 10" 12 y.o. - and bite a plastic stick while holding onto two handles as if you're playing an arcade game, but a lot less fun."

Random: "730"
Translation 1: Typical treatment duration, measured in days
Translation 2: Number of elastics inadvertently ingested during typical treatment

Ortho to Invisalign patient: "You're done! No more trays."
Translation: "Here's another tray. No, it's a Vivera retainer. Yes, it does look a lot like the last tray, but it's not. Please wear it forever. I said you're done."

Love it!

lol! Make my shiny braces smile :-)

LOL this is hilarious!!!!

Ortho: "Panoramic x-rays"
Translation: "An opportunity for you to bump your head on a machine - because it's still set up for the previous 4' 10" 12 y.o. - and bite a plastic stick while holding onto two handles as if you're playing an arcade game, but a lot less fun."

Had to get pano x-rays at my appointment today...I'm basically the same height as a 12-yr old. But it was set up for someone who was much taller than me today hahah!

I discovered new translations and definitions when the new braces went on. Who knew?

Me: "Well, how do they look?"
Ortho: "Hey, those look pretty good on you."
Translation 1: "Um, what else am I supposed to say?"
Translation 2: "Um, you were asking my opinion of your shoes, right?"
Translation 3: "Hmmm, I seem to have misplaced the hand mirror. Take a look in one of your car mirrors. I should have the office locked by then."

Everyone Else: "Oh, I didn't notice you had braces. You can't even see them."
Translation: "Oh, I definitely noticed, but I couldn't think of a polite way to comment."

Friends: "You should get colored bands."
Translation: "There's no way I would do it, but you definitely should."

And I almost fell out of the chair when I heard a certain tool referred to as...:
Ortho: An "interproximal stripper"
Translation: "Ummm, enamel gets removed, not clothing. Not demeaning when doing the job, and kids usually fill the nearby chairs instead of degenerates." They couldn't come up with a different name? Really?

Ortho: "Finishing wire."
Translation: "Not-really-that-close-to-finishing wire" [note: my supposedly "final" wire went in nine months ago. Now I'm back to NiTi. Speaking of NiTi...]

Ortho: "NiTi"
Translation: If you think you hear your ortho say something about a "Mai Tai," do not smile and ask for two, although either way you'll be hurting the next morning. What he's talking about has nothing to do with colorful rum drinks and beach vacations. Trust me.

Those are outstanding, even this many months after my debracing.
My favorite one was when I would ask the ortho how I was progressing, and he replied vaguely that I might be a little behind schedule, which translated into another year.

djspeece wrote:...and he replied vaguely that I might be a little behind schedule, which translated into another year.

Ouch! I recall reading that you stretched from a 2yr estimate to 3yrs. Hopefully I don't hit that milestone, but I'll be inching into your neighborhood and closer to three than two even if the rest goes according to current plan. Once you went into overtime, was it just a month-to-month grind without knowing exactly how long it would be, or did you have some idea that it would be six months, or nine, or 12? I'm not sure which is more frustrating: mo to mo without knowing, or knowing that you're way over and still have another six or so to go.

Thx, Jeska! You're too kind!

Once I hit the two year mark I realized that it would easily be another 3-6 months because the gaps weren't closing. Then he added the closing coil, and at around the 30 month mark provided two complementary rounds of Propel therapy. Then I stopped thinking about it. I really didn't know when they would come off until he finally, and quite casually mentioned at a later visit "ok well next time I'll take impressions for retainers" and I thought he was either making a cruel joke or that I had just experienced an auditory hallucination.