A mutual church friend of ours just e-mailed and tried to convince me to call my parents one more time. She has watched me grow up, since I was 17 (I'm 30 now), and we were close. I couldn't hold back. I feel so bitter. This is my letter back to her. By the way, I was never a bad kid. Didn't do drugs, didn't have boy problems - my life was almost boring, spent between school and jobs. I started working when I was 16, and put myself through college (they didn't have to pay a PENNY). Yes, I lived at home. But I paid them rent (even while I was still a college student) and bought groceries twice a month.
My half-brother (we share the same dad), on the other hand, had all of his education paid for, in New York, nonetheless. They said they didn't want him to get distracted with a part-time job. School must come first.
So when my friend wrote and asked me to call my folks, I couldn't hold back. This is what I said.
_______________________
Dear Jin,
I know you're trying to help, but I'm afraid this situation cannot be helped.
The original e-mail I sent to my folks is at the bottom of this message. They never responded to it, even after Sam told them that I'd just had jaw surgery. A major surgery that kept me in the operating room for four hours, and in the hospital for three nights. They say they love me? Where IS the love?
After my visit last year, Sam went to Houston for Spring Break. He and I had a slight misunderstanding over the phone so he hang up on me. When I called back, my dad picked up, and he said - "Who are YOU to now act like a siser? What kin d of sister have YOU been, ever since Sam began school? What kind of responsibilities have YOU ever taken?" I told him that I loved Sam dearly, but no, it wasn't my financial responsibility to put him through school. You know how my dad can get. He yelled at me and called me a bunch of names. I reminded him the reason I moved out of their house, back in 2000, was that he hit me, hard. For something very minor - simply because I wasn't feeling well when he told me to clean the bathroom that night, and I asked him if I could do it the next morning. That would all it took to set him off. He hit me so hard for something so small. He slapped my face - not once, not twice, not three times, but more than a dozen times in a row. Hard, full-swing slaps across the face. I was 23. I packed up a duffle bag and left that very night.
While we were on the phone after my disagreement with Sam, I told my dad that I never told him this, but because of the above experience, for three years after I'd moved to California, I'd have the same nightmare two to three times a week, in which he'd hit me hard, with a crazed look in his face, and I'd wake up crying, with real tears streaming down my cheeks. I had to eventually go see a psychiatrist for consultation before the nightmares stopped. I said to him - "It's not that I'm accusing you of anything. I just wanted to tell you this is what I went through, and it was very difficult." To this he responded - "You're always feeling sorry for yourself. Stop exaggerating. It was never that bad." He said this to me, while I was crying over the phone and telling him about my very difficult experience. They say they love me? Where IS the love?
Even after that conversation, I made myself call him three to four more times in an effort to maintain a relationship. Each time he acted distant and curt. And he never bothered initiating another call (in fact, they haven't done that in a long time). So eventually, I stopped calling. We haven't spoken over the phone since last March/April. And irnoically, I was able to live in peace.
I don't want to be estranged from my folks either. So I reached out with my itinerary to see if they'd like to meet this weekend. They simply never responded.
Do you still think they love me?
I'm sorry, Jin. Considering all that's happened, I really don't think it'd be a good idea for me to join them for church on Sunday. Yes, we're Christians and we believe in love, forgiveness, and lack of pride. But, I'm only human, and I have feelings, too. While I appreciate your good will, at the moment, I simply cannot find the strength in me to give it yet one more shot.
Please let me know if we can possibly meet sometime other than Sunday, if you still want to see me. I would love to see you - it's been a while, I miss you and your family. All of you have been nothing but kind to me.
Kristen
___________________
Call me stubborn. But I simply don't have enough feelings left to reach out again and make another call. I'd go crazy.
http://bracemyself.blogspot.com/
I'm so grateful that she told me about the whole procedure. It is truly life-changing.
