I'm almost turning twenty and I want to undergo orthognathic surgery for both functional and aesthetic reasons, however I don't know how to approach this subject matter to my parents? In addition, I feel as if I won't gain their support as they will claim that "I don't need it and why would I want to have that surgery?..." and etc. I have a recessed mandible, no chin (literally), skeletal/facial disharmony (caused by constant mouth breathing), a slight overbite (I had braces before when I was around eleven), speech problems, and it kinda goes on and on. Whenever I talk, I always jut my bottom jaw forward and I never clench my teeth as it makes me feel very self conscious and uncomfortable (this also applies to when I smile in pictures).
So how would I confront my parents with my needs? Please help! It'll be much appreciated. I would also love to hear your experiences as I have bunch of unanswered questions of mines to ask later on. Thanks!
Telling my parents I want orthognathic surgery?
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dayeangphurr
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Telling my parents I want orthognathic surgery?
Last edited by dayeangphurr on Mon Nov 10, 2008 9:41 am, edited 2 times in total.
Hi dayeangphurr, it sounds like you have some of the same problems as me, I'm also very self-conscious about my chin and have gotten to the point where I always push my bottom jaw forward.
I'm not sure whether you've spoken to your parents about any of this before, but I get the impression that you haven't. I'd complained a lot (and gotten upset) about the way I looked and the problems I had eating, so my mum suggested going to the orthodontist and it sort of went from there.
So if you don't feel comfortable coming straight out and saying that you want orthognathic surgery, maybe you could tell them that you want to speak to an orthodontist about your jaw/teeth problems, for the reasons you stated. If surgery is the way to go, the ortho will suggest this and you can discuss it with your folks then. Being told that you need surgery by an expert might help them accept what you want to do.
You can probably expect a little concern at first, after all, most parents are going to worry about their kids having surgery. I guess you need to emphasis that this is something that is making you unhappy, for both aesthetic and functional reasons.
Hope this helps
I'm not sure whether you've spoken to your parents about any of this before, but I get the impression that you haven't. I'd complained a lot (and gotten upset) about the way I looked and the problems I had eating, so my mum suggested going to the orthodontist and it sort of went from there.
So if you don't feel comfortable coming straight out and saying that you want orthognathic surgery, maybe you could tell them that you want to speak to an orthodontist about your jaw/teeth problems, for the reasons you stated. If surgery is the way to go, the ortho will suggest this and you can discuss it with your folks then. Being told that you need surgery by an expert might help them accept what you want to do.
You can probably expect a little concern at first, after all, most parents are going to worry about their kids having surgery. I guess you need to emphasis that this is something that is making you unhappy, for both aesthetic and functional reasons.
Hope this helps
I had the same prob with my parents. Whilst looking into it my mum expressed her disapproval and actually said she hoped i'd 'drop the whole silly idea'. When I told her a few weeks ago that i'd made up my mind to go ahead all I got was a chilly look accompanied by "I see" (shudder!).
Its a good suggestion to introduce the subject slowly by telling them you're visiting an orthodontist etc. Don't make the mistake I made early on by going into too much detail of the procedure or its risks, that will just freak them out. Keep it light and airy and accentuate the positives. Also seek out support from your friends (and partner) to get you through the early stages, I'm hoping mum will come on board fully once she realises how important this is to me.
Good luck!
Its a good suggestion to introduce the subject slowly by telling them you're visiting an orthodontist etc. Don't make the mistake I made early on by going into too much detail of the procedure or its risks, that will just freak them out. Keep it light and airy and accentuate the positives. Also seek out support from your friends (and partner) to get you through the early stages, I'm hoping mum will come on board fully once she realises how important this is to me.
Good luck!
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dayeangphurr
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Thanks Spiral and descantus for sharing with me your experiences and it means a lot! Spiral, I actually wanted to undergo orthognathic surgery under a surgeon in Australia who done a fantastic job with someone I know that had the procedure done. Unfortunately, it'll be a little unrealistic as I am living in the United States (in California).
If you present it more as a medical/health issue, rather than an esthetic issue, I think you'll have more luck.
I'm sure there are dental health issues with mouth breathing and when you have your ortho consult, you can ask what can happen if you don't correct the problem i.e possible TMJ, migraines... And be upfront with the ortho so he or she can give you the info you need to approach your parents.
Good luck.
I'm sure there are dental health issues with mouth breathing and when you have your ortho consult, you can ask what can happen if you don't correct the problem i.e possible TMJ, migraines... And be upfront with the ortho so he or she can give you the info you need to approach your parents.
Good luck.
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~danielle~
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- Location: Canada
From the way you described your, case we seem to be pretty similar. Before my surgery, I had a recessed chin and tiny lower jaw so I would ALWAYS have to jut it forward when I smiled, talked, etc. I am almost 18 now and I live with my mum so she was always the one that took me to all my appointments. She didnt have a problem with me having the surgery, but we never really talkted about it at all. As for my dad, I don't see him that often since I dont live with him. I really didnt know how to bring it up with him without getting a negative reaction. He actually didnt find out until about a month afterwards, when he came into my work (I'm a cashier at a drugstore) and was like, "WTF!!??!" . I would not recomend anything like this, but for me, it was the best thing to do to stop me getting REALLY streed right before surgery. I also agree with BB that if you tell them you want it more for the medical/functional issues, they will probably be a little more understanding.
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dayeangphurr
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Thanks bb, ~danielle~, and Meryaten for all of your advices. It's wonderful to hear what other people have to say. Meryaten, sadly I am relying on my parents for funding. Before when school had started for me (back in May of this year), I found a job at the time for like $10/hr. I saved up every penny I made there, and I planned on continuing working when school started to save up for the surgery. However, once my work had interfered with my schooling, I had to quit because school is my priority. But I was really upset (and still am) because my plan is delayed now. Initially, I wanted to pay for the entire procedure myself (just to show my parents my independence, don't ask), I knew it was going to be difficult, but its not impossible. So since my plans aren't working accordingly, asking my parents is my alternative because as long as I'm attending school, I won't be getting a job anytime soon. I'm just not one of those people who can go to school and work at the same time.
Oh, really? Where in Australia?dayeangphurr wrote:Thanks Spiral and descantus for sharing with me your experiences and it means a lot! Spiral, I actually wanted to undergo orthognathic surgery under a surgeon in Australia who done a fantastic job with someone I know that had the procedure done. Unfortunately, it'll be a little unrealistic as I am living in the United States (in California).
Not sure how many others went with this approach but I didn't tell my parents about the surgery until a week before I did it. I'm very close with my family and I knew they would freak if I told them I was doing this so I left my treatment at "I'm getting braces to fix my crooked teeth." (I realize this is not an option for people relying on parental insurance.) But in my case (paying for it myself) it worked out well because I wanted to a) avoid them insisting on being here "to help" while I recover which would've been a worse hell then having your jaw broken, and b) minimize all discussion about whether I needed it or not and why I'm doing this.
They saw me in braces obviously and commented on them, however, by not mentioning the surgery itself, you pretty much eliminate any of the "you don't need this, why are you doing this" speeches. By the time they hear about the surgery, you've already paid for your genio, taken off work, bought your supplies, booked the hospital room and you're on autopilot. I knew they'd never find an affordable flight to the west coast in a week's time so I was golden. If you put off returning their call for a day or two, you can pretty much time it so that you get a good conversation in about it a day or two before you go in.
I definitely recommend it. "Vague" and "mysterious" is the way to go so they don't worry and are not exactly sure what you're having done so don't even know what to ask. Why put them through the worry and anxiety about what you're going to look like and whether you'll be ok or not. Better to keep that to yourself in my opinion.
The actual email I sent my parents and siblings if anyone needs inspiration:
What makes it even more fun is showing up to Thanksgiving dinner 2 weeks later looking like someone they don't recognize with a blender under your arm.
(Kidding about that last part, but not about the hush-hush approach. Gets you out of having to explain it 50 times and saves your family the heart ache of worrying about you. Once the surgery is done, its done and they won't waste time trying to change your mind, they'll just go right into "support & encourage" mode.)
They saw me in braces obviously and commented on them, however, by not mentioning the surgery itself, you pretty much eliminate any of the "you don't need this, why are you doing this" speeches. By the time they hear about the surgery, you've already paid for your genio, taken off work, bought your supplies, booked the hospital room and you're on autopilot. I knew they'd never find an affordable flight to the west coast in a week's time so I was golden. If you put off returning their call for a day or two, you can pretty much time it so that you get a good conversation in about it a day or two before you go in.
I definitely recommend it. "Vague" and "mysterious" is the way to go so they don't worry and are not exactly sure what you're having done so don't even know what to ask. Why put them through the worry and anxiety about what you're going to look like and whether you'll be ok or not. Better to keep that to yourself in my opinion.
The actual email I sent my parents and siblings if anyone needs inspiration:
See what I mean? For all they know, I've had braces for a year and now I'm having a tooth pulled. This way they don't worry about you and you can fill them in on the details after you wake up and know everything went well.Dear Family:
Just writing to let everyone know that my braces treatment has come to its climax so to speak and I'll be going into surgery Tuesday on lucky November 13. There's not much to tell and no reason to be concerned. I'll be in good hands. I'll let everyone know how it went as soon as I'm awake enough to type.
Thanks, will keep you posted.
What makes it even more fun is showing up to Thanksgiving dinner 2 weeks later looking like someone they don't recognize with a blender under your arm.
(Kidding about that last part, but not about the hush-hush approach. Gets you out of having to explain it 50 times and saves your family the heart ache of worrying about you. Once the surgery is done, its done and they won't waste time trying to change your mind, they'll just go right into "support & encourage" mode.)
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dayeangphurr
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Hey Spiral, I believe it was somewhere in Melbourne?
By the way, thanks KarlClayLA. I totally agree to your approach as that was my initial plan, however as I stated I'm relying on my parent's funding. I'm living in Los Angeles, CA so the surgery cost here is pretty pricey and will take me years to save up (without my parent's and insurance help of course). So I basically have to pay everything out of pocket! But if I had that option to approach the whole situation in the "vague and mysterious" way, I would have totally chosen it rather than leaning on my parents.
By the way, thanks KarlClayLA. I totally agree to your approach as that was my initial plan, however as I stated I'm relying on my parent's funding. I'm living in Los Angeles, CA so the surgery cost here is pretty pricey and will take me years to save up (without my parent's and insurance help of course). So I basically have to pay everything out of pocket! But if I had that option to approach the whole situation in the "vague and mysterious" way, I would have totally chosen it rather than leaning on my parents.
Re: Telling my parents I want orthognathic surgery?
I want to second what spiral said - telling them that you want to get an opinon from an orthodontist is a good first step. And then, you just need to tell them what you told us - that there are several issues, not only cosmetic ones, that make your new-found ortho's plan sound good to you, and that you'd like to get it over and done with while you're still young and bounce back from surgery more easily -as patiently and as calmly as possible.dayeangphurr wrote:I'm almost turning twenty and I want to undergo orthognathic surgery for both functional and aesthetic reasons, however I don't know how to approach this subject matter to my parents? In addition, I feel as if I won't gain their support as they will claim that "I don't need it and why would I want to have that surgery?..." and etc. I have a recessed mandible, no chin (literally), skeletal/facial disharmony (caused by constant mouth breathing), a slight overbite (I had braces before when I was around eleven), speech problems, and it kinda goes on and on. Whenever I talk, I always jut my bottom jaw forward and I never clench my teeth as it makes me feel very self conscious and uncomfortable (this also applies to when I smile in pictures).
So how would I confront my parents with my needs? Please help! It'll be much appreciated. I would also love to hear your experiences as I have bunch of unanswered questions of mines to ask later on. Thanks!
My parents weren't exactly thrilled about my two-surgery treatment plan, but I'm a little older than you and by the time I really went for it, I had it all planned out, including a plan on how to manage getting time off work, who could care for me if I needed anything after surgery, and so on. If you have good arguments, and reasonable-sounding ideas on how to cope with the treatment plan (it's also a good idea to know about your financing options, how much is it, will insurance cover anything..), this more than anything will convince them that you know what you're doing. My parents are still a little scared, but perfectly supportive - they even offered moving into a my town for a week just to be there for me after SARPE surgery. Good luck.
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dayeangphurr
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Hi Foxface, thank you for the wise insight. Initially, I had everything planned out when I had a job at the time while attending school. However, my plan went south from there as I have to rely on my parents to financially support me with the surgery as I am no longer working. If my plan did go accordingly, I wanted to save at least 10k (or more depending on my working hours) and proceed with the surgical process by the time I turn 21 and continue working in order to pay the medical bills. But now that I will be leaning on my parents, I don't know when I'll undergo the surgery until I talk to them about it.
Oh, I'm sorry, you said so somewhere above. Still, I think an initial ortho consult won't break the bank even if you have to pay for it yourself, and maybe he could also tell you more about financing options, loans, installment plans, insurance... In either case, good luck to you. Even if you have to postpone, I think it'll work out since you sound very determined to have this done eventually. I think Meryaten and the others are right, don't spring he whole gory details on your parents all at once, but just speaking for myself, I couldn't not tell them at all. It's your decision whether you want to undergo surgery or not, but even if your original plan had worked out and you had paid for all of it yourself, it still would be good to inform them.dayeangphurr wrote:Hi Foxface, thank you for the wise insight. Initially, I had everything planned out when I had a job at the time while attending school. However, my plan went south from there as I have to rely on my parents to financially support me with the surgery as I am no longer working. If my plan did go accordingly, I wanted to save at least 10k (or more depending on my working hours) and proceed with the surgical process by the time I turn 21 and continue working in order to pay the medical bills. But now that I will be leaning on my parents, I don't know when I'll undergo the surgery until I talk to them about it.
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jonathon003
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wow this is amazing...not trying to derail your thread or anything, but I'm a 23 yr old male who just realized yesterday (at the dentist) about my 'problem' (which is IDENTICAL to yours) and i'm just so thrilled and happy that I've FINALLY found out what's wrong with me. our stories are so similar it's eerie. I too had braces when I was around 12 or so, but at this point I'm in the same boat; overbite where my chin is kind of receded, find it very hard and uncomfortable to close my mouth (been a mouth breather my entire life), and am VERY self conscious about everything to the point I also stick my lower jaw out when walking around or smiling etc.
i seriously feel like this is some kind of breakthrough. I guess I was ignorant about the whole theory behind jaw alignment, etc, but I just thought 'hey these are my genes, and it really sucks, but make the most of em' sorta deal. My speech, like yours, has suffered and I find it just very 'strenuous' to pronunciate effectively and fluently. My parents like yours have always been, 'there's nothing wrong with you, we all have issues, blah blah blah' but they don't know or realize how much this ***ks with my life. I mean I'm always worrying about how my mouth looks WHEREVER i am, which takes my mind off just normal functioning in conversations, etc etc etc. Wish I realized this so much sooner but whatever, won't complain. I'm currently scheduled to get braces on AGAIN, and now will talk to my ortho about having this surgery as my dentist felt I needed it (hopefully thats a good enough referal!). I'm still kind of pessimistic, or maybe thats not the right word, about everything falling into place in a year or whenever it's all over, but I really hope everything will be normal afterwards and I can get back to funtioning normally.
Anyway lol, sorry I'm of no help, just ecstatic to hear your case, and others here, as this is all new to me. I wish I could fastforward to the point my braces come off and the healing is over from the surgery, probably at least 2 years away, but if it fixes everything I really don't mind the grind ahead waiting. I'm also in school, 1 credit left and then studying for my CFA level 1 in 09, so this is a perfect time in my life to have it.
As for the financial side of it, I REALLY feel sorry for you Americans and your lack of Healthcare; not trying to rub it in at all, but I'm so fortunate that OHIP here in Ontario (live in Toronto) covers almost everything so i've been told anyway. I guess it all evens out though since we're taxed through the roof! Anyway just wanted to share my story, and my parents are def the same way; like others have said, it's as much for practical/health reasons as it is for esthetics imo, so as long as you can get that through to them, you should be okay. Maybe even have your ortho talk to them himself? Anyway good luck and hopefully it all pans out, look forward to hearin how your case goes. you shall be my guinea pig lol, j/p. ez.
i seriously feel like this is some kind of breakthrough. I guess I was ignorant about the whole theory behind jaw alignment, etc, but I just thought 'hey these are my genes, and it really sucks, but make the most of em' sorta deal. My speech, like yours, has suffered and I find it just very 'strenuous' to pronunciate effectively and fluently. My parents like yours have always been, 'there's nothing wrong with you, we all have issues, blah blah blah' but they don't know or realize how much this ***ks with my life. I mean I'm always worrying about how my mouth looks WHEREVER i am, which takes my mind off just normal functioning in conversations, etc etc etc. Wish I realized this so much sooner but whatever, won't complain. I'm currently scheduled to get braces on AGAIN, and now will talk to my ortho about having this surgery as my dentist felt I needed it (hopefully thats a good enough referal!). I'm still kind of pessimistic, or maybe thats not the right word, about everything falling into place in a year or whenever it's all over, but I really hope everything will be normal afterwards and I can get back to funtioning normally.
Anyway lol, sorry I'm of no help, just ecstatic to hear your case, and others here, as this is all new to me. I wish I could fastforward to the point my braces come off and the healing is over from the surgery, probably at least 2 years away, but if it fixes everything I really don't mind the grind ahead waiting. I'm also in school, 1 credit left and then studying for my CFA level 1 in 09, so this is a perfect time in my life to have it.
As for the financial side of it, I REALLY feel sorry for you Americans and your lack of Healthcare; not trying to rub it in at all, but I'm so fortunate that OHIP here in Ontario (live in Toronto) covers almost everything so i've been told anyway. I guess it all evens out though since we're taxed through the roof! Anyway just wanted to share my story, and my parents are def the same way; like others have said, it's as much for practical/health reasons as it is for esthetics imo, so as long as you can get that through to them, you should be okay. Maybe even have your ortho talk to them himself? Anyway good luck and hopefully it all pans out, look forward to hearin how your case goes. you shall be my guinea pig lol, j/p. ez.