what do I tell my mom about getting braces?

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#1 Post by **sadpanda** » Thu Jul 15, 2010 6:45 pm

I got braces mostly because I've suffered a lot from frequent headaches and migraines and was told that my big overbite, jaw misalignment, and tmj on one side could be causing my pain and that braces would help. I also have some crowding, especially on the bottom, an overjet, and my ortho says my midline is off a bit and that I have a bunch of spacing issues, but those last two things I never really noticed before he pointed them out.

My mom has known about everything from the beginning because, unfortunately, I still live with her because I am a student with debts and loans and have no means to live elsewhere. But, even though I explained to her why I got braces, she doesn't understand. She keeps saying stuff like, "I don't get what you're trying to do with your teeth," or "What are you trying to look like?" with a disapproving tone. Then, she makes the bottom of her top teeth touch the top of the lower teeth, looks at me, and asks, "This?" She says that my teeth looked fine, but I didn't get braces for better looks, although that is a huge perk.

I've tried explaining to her my reasons and I tell her that braces do more than straighten teeth. And I mention that there are people who get braces for less problems than I have and it's considered acceptable. Sorry this is so long, I'm just frustrated. I feel like my mom won't understand until she sees my final result (in about 2 yrs) and I tell her that I don't have as many headaches or something.

I was wondering if anyone had problems with their parents understanding about getting braces as an adult and what could I say that might make my mom not see it as such a negative thing?

#2 Post by **catgyrl** » Thu Jul 15, 2010 7:47 pm

Oh, sadpanda...

Please check out this thread :

viewtopic.php?t=35320

You are NOT alone in this type of situation. There was basically not ONE person in my family who supported my decision. I got all the usual comments: "Why waste your money on that? There's nothing wrong with your teeth. What's wrong with loving who you are, the way you are now?" Blah, blah, blah... I've decided that most of these comments come from (1) envy; (2) jealousy, (3) ignorance or (4) guilt (mostly from parents who did not get braces for their kids). My mom got full dentures in her early 20's; my siblings all have tons of missing and rotten teeth... and the same overjet that I do... and yet they still wonder why I'm "doing this"? I tell them, "So my teeth don't end up like yours." (Hey, if they can be rude, so can I.)

Your reasons for doing this are YOUR reasons. You're doing this to better yourself, not to impress everyone else. You don't need approval from anyone else (though a little support would be nice). My advice: Just go on with your life and don't even discuss it with her. My coworkers don't want to discuss my braces with me either (except to make fun when I lisp and they misunderstand what I'm saying. It's quite funny, actually).

It may be that your mom will never understand. But you can always come here where we all know what you're going through and can offer you support and encouragement.

Chin up!!

-Cathy

#3 Post by **Talulah** » Fri Jul 16, 2010 10:57 am

When I told one of my cousins that I needed braces he nearly went into shock. My teeth are not perfect, but there is no visual reason for braces. I had to explain to him (and most others) that I need this for health reasons like headaches and so on.

#4 Post by **ashesgap** » Fri Jul 16, 2010 12:02 pm

This may not be the way most people go about it, but i figure, i'm an adult i do not have to explain anything to anyone. Its my money. My mouth. End of story. If they bring it up all you say is, we don't really need to go over this again. You know there was a reason for the braces, and everyone here understands. Its not like braces have become a fashion item....like Thailand (isn't that where they get the fake braces?) Orthos don't just give you braces because you think pink is cute and have five grand to burn. Sigh. I could go on and on, lol. Just don't let your mom or anyone else make you feel bad, i'm sure the actual braces are doing that enough already.

#5 Post by **sadpanda** » Sat Jul 17, 2010 2:49 pm

Hi everyone -

Thanks for the replies. They make a lot of sense and I need to remind myself that it shouldn't matter if other people don't understand.

Catgyrl - Thanks for the link. I read through it and realized that many people go through what I'm going through.

A lot of my friends wore braces in high school and only one had to wear rubber bands, no one had any ortho appliances other than braces, and, interestingly, they all got braces for straightening. We're all spread out in different states and I haven't told anyone about my braces. I plan to tell them on facebook at the end of the month, but I've put it off until now because I fear they won't understand either. The few people I've told who actually see me on a regular basis have said negative things. I did, however, tell three people who either had braces as an adult or who always support me, and they did.

#6 Post by **Spurfy** » Sun Jul 18, 2010 9:26 pm

Ugh...don't get me started. I told my mom about my braces (I'm 41) and she said "Why? At your age?" I felt like saying "Because you didn't care enough about me to get them for me at the proper age!"

That might be what's going on with your mom. As Cathy said, she probably feels guilty because she knows she failed you when she was supposed to help you and now you've got to do it on your own. My mother resents my decision because it's proof that there's something missing in my life that should have been provided by my parents. This is the same woman who is so afraid of dentists that she took us to the dentist twice the entire time I was growing up. The same woman who was finally convinced by said dentist that my brother needed braces (his teeth were really terrible), so she took him in and had a bunch of extractions done (that's what they did in those days) and then chickened out and left him with a bunch of holes in his gums. (He got braces as an adult and just got them off about a year ago, and she gave him the same disapproval waves she gave me.)

Wow...I've got mom problems, don't I? Needless to say my kids all have/had braces as kids...

Don't let your mom's attitude stop you from doing what is right for you. I know it's hard when you have to live with her, but just count ten, ignore the jibes, and pride yourself on being more mature than she is. That's what I do!

#7 Post by **Steph in Sac** » Mon Jul 19, 2010 7:05 am

...I actually agree with the "do what you want with your teeth" attitude, however, if you are living in her home because you have debt, perhaps you should wait until you are self-sufficient to get braces. It may seem like a "waste of money" to her considering your situation. Food for thought.

#8 Post by **sadpanda** » Mon Jul 19, 2010 3:48 pm

I was told to get braces by dentists from the time I was 9 and through my teen years. My mom said that she wouldn't pay for something like that even though she had the money. I don't know if she feels guilty about that, but when I told her as an adult that I was getting braces and how I've needed them for so long, she denied ever knowing about it. She said that if she knew I needed braces, maybe she would have gotten them for me. This denial really frustrated me. When my mom said no to things, I never protested because I knew what no meant in our family. My older sister was blessed with nearly perfect teeth. When it was proved that I needed braces after I went to a few ortho consults, my mom wasn't convinced.

Steph in Sac - sorry I wasn't clear in my post. I live with my mom, but I've used some money from my student loan to pay for the braces and have them already. It's just that my mom keeps commenting on them. I know it wasn't a good thing to get into more debt, but I didn't want to wait any longer to get my teeth fixed because the constant headaches really interfere with my functioning.

Spurfy - I can't believe what your mom did to your brother. Was he really bitter about it? I would have been.

ashesgap - sorry I didn't reply to you earlier. I should tell my mom what you said about orthos not giving braces because a person likes pink and has money to burn. Haha.

Talulah - how are your headaches?

#9 Post by **Spurfy** » Mon Jul 19, 2010 4:35 pm

Let's just say my mom and my brother have almost no relationship. They live hundreds of miles apart and see each other every four or five years and always fight when they do. My brother is bitter about a lot of things, as am I apparently...

The best thing about the braces situation is that the stated reason I didn't get braces as a child was because he needed them more and they couldn't afford both. Then neither of us ended up with them.

If I were you I would be working as hard as I can to get my own place and move out!

#10 Post by **alimommy1** » Fri Jul 23, 2010 3:52 am

Plain and simple, unless your mom is paying for your braces, it's not really her business. My opinion about decisions we make in our lives is this - when you become a legal adult, which is age 18, if you are for the most part independent, then it does not matter whether other people in our lives misunderstand, don't understand, or are negative about things we decide are best for us. Sure she can have an opinion but she should keep it to herself if it is not positive or provides support to you.

In the last year or so I have met more people who have either had braces in the past or who have them now due to bite issues, or problems with jaw alignment rather than actual crooked or spaced teeth. It can be hard to explain yourself when to the naked (and untrained eye) it doesn't really LOOK like you NEED treatment. Of course, a lot of the pooh-poohing that comes down from people can be envy, because you're taking care of yourself and maybe they can't bring themselves to do the same out of fear, financial obligation, etc.

In your shoes, I would probably tell your mom that I was referred to the ortho from my dentist because he or she could see down the road that I'd have problems and end up with more headaches, jaw pain, and possibly chipped, worn, or fractured teeth and then the bill for restoration would end up being more than just avoiding the problem by getting braces. Prevention is so much better than dealing with an accident or injury later, right? I would also assure her that the dentist and ortho both know what they are doing, and I trust them, so if they said it was necessary, it was and that's all she needs to know. You could also have your ortho try to explain it to her, or even write a letter outlining your treatment reasons, and goals... that is actually something that may be part of your file anyway from your initial consult.

My parents probably have no idea I went back to the ortho again, but it's not like it's something that would come up in a conversation since I don't live with them lol. If I DID happen to live with them, I'd make it quite clear that I don't interfere (or make them feel bad) in any choices they make for themselves, and I'd appreciate if they treated me in kind since I was an adult.

#11 Post by **alimommy1** » Fri Jul 23, 2010 7:03 am

Spurfy, that is TERRIBLE what happened! Like you, I have the same attitude that I will do whatever I have to, to ensure my kids don't have to go thru anything like that. Only one of them is going to need braces, but she'll get them long before she's an adult and long before there's any lasting issues from lack of treatment. You'd think medical necessity could be proven about more things, and that actual proven medical need should goad ins companies into paying for things people actually need - at close to 100%. Typically plastic surgery procedures are considered cosmetic, but there are times when they are considered medically necessary, so the same deal should be used in determining a certain percentage of ortho cases!

It seems almost neglectful to go as far as to get extractions... and then do nothing else. I can understand chickening out if it's your own decision to chicken out on yourself, knowing the consequences, but to do that to a child who trusts you to do the right thing? Ack!