Dating, low self-esteem, working...feeling overwhelmed? I am

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#1 Post by **MrT** » Sun Mar 28, 2010 4:37 pm

When I first got my braces on (about a year ago) I thought to myself, "This will make me stronger and help me to gain my self confidence!" However, here I am a year later with even lower self-esteem and confidence. I don't know why I'm having so many problems getting past my braces.

I am very, very thankful for them but just find it extremely difficult to even flirt or smile at girls. It feels like I am in this embarrassed state of mind ALL of the time.

I haven't had a date for who knows how long and, again, my self-esteem around women is extremely low. I feel like they're laughing at me and not taking me serious, not looking at me like a man but more like a kid with braces on. I'm not different than the other guys and can't figure out why I feel so "unmanly" (lol

I know, it's not a word...) One other reason is because I truly have never had a father figure (even though he has lived only 30 minutes away from me for the last 15 years of my life not seeing him!) and I feel I don't know much about the "man stuff" (ya know, jokes, cars, tools...CONFIDENCE...) I'm sure I'm not the only one with this story...

And, when I go to work, I feel embarrassed around the guys too. I just can't relate to all of the "fun" they're having, all of the dates they've gone on, how their lives are operating so smoothly etc.

The main situation that truly hits me hard is the fact that my twin bro has been sick for nearly 10 years, my mom is sick, and my older bro Ricky has heart problems and I just feel OVERWHELMED and no one understands. Part of the reaon no one understands is becasue I can't talk about it, it's just too much to talk about and definitely leaves me feeling very unhappy after talking about it anyway.

Thanks for listening to my venting. Hope you don't mind and feel free to share your stories, etc.

"Mr T"

#2 Post by **24braceface** » Sun Mar 28, 2010 5:31 pm

You shouldn't let your braces effect your self confidence. Most people wear braces at some point in their lives, even celebs wear braces and they have to face millions of people.

As far as your life not operating smoothly like your peers, I feel that many of us, braces or not, go through that at some point. Unfortunately it's just part of that thing called life. You'll get through it, we'll all get through it.

#3 Post by **tsmurfenator** » Sun Mar 28, 2010 7:35 pm

I am all too aware of the awkwardness associated with smiling at a woman (who has perfect teeth) only to reveal my mouth full of metal … but reality check: most women do not have perfect teeth, and probably are jealous of you for having the guts & independence (two masculine traits) to have braces. I love smiling at women with imperfect teeth and hoping they will take note of my braces, and force them to think to themselves about fixing their own teeth. Sure there are a lot of women out there who will think you are a loser because they had braces as kids and are wondering why you are getting them so late. But, truly, move on and don't even bother with them.

Might I suggest that few of the other issues you bring up have anything to do with braces, and you are simply blaming your other problems on them? If they are really ruining your life then just get them taken off. It seems odd to me that you have had braces for one year, but still are letting them inhibit you so much. If you want to be a man about it, then why are you so worried about what anybody else thinks?

I have reported on this board that the biggest benefit braces have had for me is overcoming general nervousness and self-consciousness. I think you have even a bigger opportunity, and I challenge you to reap the same benefit as I have. The beauty of braces is that they know no gender, age, race, or creed. You can go and do anything you want and be anyone you want while having braces. Please be a role model. Please go off and shatter stereotypes, and prove the world wrong about the misconceptions they have about you and how they think life in braces should be.

#4 Post by **gavinfilan** » Sun Mar 28, 2010 8:17 pm

Hey MrT,
I was just about to post about self-esteem issues myself. I just saw a picture of myself at a conference and realized how crooked my jaw is becoming after getting the braces on. I knew to expect this, but it was devastating to see it so obviously displayed in a photo. My self-esteem is at an all time low. I've completely written off dating, but I'm also finding myself avoiding spending time with friends.
I don't have any great advice...but just know that you're not alone, this forum is great for venting.
As for the guys at work...we all tend to put our most confident self out in public, especially guys....it doesn't mean their life is perfect. But I know it can be rough not relating to coworkers and feeling you don't have anyone who really understands. I think now might be a good time to focus on your family. I know alot of people might tell you to not let the braces stop you from dating...but hey..if you're not comfortable doing it..don't. It'll just be for a year or so...so take the pressure off yourself. Why not take this period in your life to spend extra time with your family and show your mom and brothers how much you love them.
And keep on posting your thoughts as much as you need too...everyone here is incredibly understanding.

#5 Post by **lealicious** » Sun Mar 28, 2010 11:16 pm

Just one thing: If a girl looks at you and judges you based on what your teeth look like or because you have braces, then they don't deserve your attention.

I don't care what people think about my braces. Not to say I'm the most self confident person in the world - far from it - but when it comes to the people I pass by everyday, they can all jump off a bridge if they think I look stupid.

Plus you want somebody who loves you for you. My boyfriend supports me with my decision to get braces. He actually thinks they're sexy - makes me look like a teenager again.

Anyway, bottom line - who cares what they think. You should view yourself as more valuable than that. And when the right girl comes along, she won't care whether or not you have braces, or how tall you are, or what hair colour you have. You shouldn't want to have the attention of those superficial types.

#6 Post by **rachf221** » Mon Mar 29, 2010 12:38 am

As a 21-year-old girl, I can honestly say that I have NEVER laughed at a guy with braces. I just can't think why I would. Braces on a guy (to me) shows that he's committed to his health and hygiene and not too macho to do something about it. That's such a good thing. So many guys wouldn't be brave enough to do it (and I think adult girls are the same with this). If anyone is laughing at you, they're immature and just not worth the bother. Also, though, you're much more likely to think people are laughing at you when you're not in a good place - when you feel ok it just doesn't occur to you that much. And not all young women have perfect teeth

#7 Post by **LuckyStrike** » Mon Mar 29, 2010 11:55 am

You need to get your mind away from the fact that you have braces. The best way to do that is by accepting how braces make you look. Just think that every second that passes by, your teeth are getting closer to perfection. When you wake up every morning, your teeth have changed, even if you can't tell that, they have; and as time passes by, you will be able to tell the difference and see progress.

People don't care if you have braces or not. You might think that they do, you might think that they're looking at them everytime you smile, laugh or talk, but the truth is they aren't. They subconsciously know you have braces, but if you don't show that these affect you and don't desperately try to conceal them, then you won't draw people's attention to them. By trying to hide the fact that you actually do have braces and that they perturb you and hinder your social life, you're only making other people more aware that there's a problem and that there's something in your mouth you aren't exactly comfortable with.

There's so many insecure people out there and for so many reasons. The way I see it, the biggest problem is that everyone's seeking someone else's acceptance to feel valid, yet, the best way to validate yourself is self-acceptance, which ends up translating to confidence.

Obviously one can't snap his fingers and decide to be confident, but my advice is for you to start thinking that these braces, who're making you insecure at the moment are TEMPORARY. There's people out there with permanent insecurities and disabilities; I'd say that's alot worse, no?

If you act like your braces are abnormal, then the people around you will also start to perceive them as something abnormal. However, if you're comfortable with your braces and don't show any obvious insecurities, people's attention won't be drawn towards them.

I don't intend to have this post sound harsh or insensitive. It's the internet, so there's nothing to worry about, but just to sum up everything I've said and actually prove a point: by reading your post, I've started to perceive you as someone who's insecure of himself, who doesn't feel manly and who ends up dramatizing mundane situations. Thankfully, you don't care what I think because I don't know you, and we're on these forums to clear out our doubts and to provide others with incentive to overcome their troubles. Now, I know you probably don't vent your problems like this to other people in real life, and it's a good thing that you don't, unless you have a huge level of intimacy with the person in question, but there's certain signs, actions and behaviours that affect the way people perceive you, and by being afraid to smile because of your braces, you're just making the situation worse, because other people will think you have a problem. Just act like your braces aren't there, like they don't affect you at all, and I can promise you, people won't even be conscious about the fact that you have braces and won't see it as a problem at all. Braces are only a problem if you make it one.

I hope this message helped somehow and that it provided you with some enlightenment.
Best of luck to you. Keep us updated.

#8 Post by **camdog** » Mon Mar 29, 2010 1:48 pm

2 things that suprised so far since having braces....

1. My mate who jokes about and makes fun of literally everything and anything didnt say a word when he first seen me with my braces. I said to him after about 3 hours or so, "so when are you going to make teh first remark, about these" (pointed to braces) and he said, "nah I think it's good, your bettering yourself and I cant argue with that" my jaw hit the floor!

2. Was chatting away to a group of girls outside a club one night and not once, i repeat not once did any of them either look at my mouth or mention I had braces, they either didnt notice which realistically is unlikely or didnt care.... 99.9% sure it was the latter.

I felt exactly the same as you with braces but now, I couldn't give a hoot, no-one is bothered you are wearing them... seriously. I would never turn down a girl cos she had braces on and they wil think exactly the same way.

That is all I have to say.

#9 Post by **fluffybottom** » Mon Mar 29, 2010 10:01 pm

Don't take this the wrong way but you should consider therapy. It sounds like you have a lot of stuff to deal with, braces being the least of your stressors. Family members being sick is incredibly stressful and isolating. You feel like you have no right to complain about anything because your family members have it so much 'worse' than you. It is important to have an outlet because if you just keep all those feelings inside, it eats away from you and affects the quality of your life.

It seems figuring out how to deal with your braces isn't the solution. If you figure that out, you will still have all those non-braces related unresolved issues piling up. Deal with those and I am sure making peace with your braces will follow in kind.