braces and your social life?

Message

#46 Post by **danish** » Fri May 16, 2008 4:26 pm

guys...let's not offend each other here. Anyone is entitled to his/her opinions as long as we respect the opinions of other people

We are all in the same boat. Some don't mind the braces. For others it's a temporary necessary evil. There is no correct way to feel about having braces! I think that all of us share one thing regardless how we feel about the braces: we all look forward to finishing treatment!

Danish

#47 Post by **SnowSara** » Fri May 16, 2008 4:29 pm

I live on the same island as meryten and it's awesome.

haha, really though, that post isn't fair to her at all, she always empathizes with people and what I don't care for are people that get upset at those of us who aren't as bothered by our orthodontic appliances as others and get on with our lives. I hate how these threads devolve into an argument because someone can't stand that fact.

Sure, there were times having braces bugged me. There were times where I actually felt like my braces made me a little special and I liked that, and PLENTY of even better times to be happy that I was doing something good for myself. But really, day in and day out, having braces was pretty ho-hum, they just... were. I don't think we should apologize for having that kind of experience. If anything, it's something for those having problems to strive for. Or not. Whatever.

#48 Post by **danish** » Fri May 16, 2008 4:43 pm

If anything, it's something for those having problems to strive for.

It appears that being affected by having braces is not entirely OK according to a number of people on this forum. As if there is a more correct attitude towards the fact that one is braced.

We are all different. We all have our coping strategies to survive the process. Some don't care about braces. Some do.

WHY ARE THE PEOPLE WHO DO CARE ABOUT BEING BRACED AND FEEL THAT IT AFFECTS THEM SOCIALLY ETC NOT ENTITLED TO EXPRESS THESE OPINIONS WITHOUT CONSTANTLY BEING REMINDED THAT THEY SHOULD ADOPT A BETTER AND APPARANTLY MORE CORRECT ATTITUDE TOWARDS THEIR BRACES??

Let's just respect that there are differences. I don't understand why people can be more confident due to braces BUT I RESPECT IT (and envy it). People who do not understand why I'm affected by my braces should respect that it's OK to be different.

Peace

Danish

#49 Post by **SnowSara** » Fri May 16, 2008 4:46 pm

You forgot the rest of my quote:

If anything, it's something for those having problems to strive for. Or not. Whatever.

#50 Post by **danish** » Fri May 16, 2008 4:48 pm

yeah...but you don't really mean that, do you?

D

#51 Post by **SnowSara** » Fri May 16, 2008 4:54 pm

I said it, I mean it. I also prefaced with "If anything" meaning, you don't have to take anything from my posts, but I hope it's positive if you do.

I certainly didn't think I should feel bad about my braces since others said they did, and I understand that it goes both ways.

#52 Post by **kudos213** » Fri May 16, 2008 5:00 pm

Meryaten wrote:
kudos213 wrote:
Meryaten wrote: Presumably the notion that, in most countries, you need a certain level of affluence (more in some countries than in others) to be able to afford braces, so flashing your brackets is like strutting ostentatiously to your expensive car

Whenever I see a thread like this, I am saddened that so many people let braces cramp their style, and amazed that others are able to derive extra confidence from them. Braces, to me, were neither a positive nor a negative socially - they just were. If I needed to excuse myself after a business or social lunch/dinner to nip off and get the last vestiges of the meal out of my grill, I did so, stating blandly that with braces I needed to go and clean up. Beyond that, the mere existence of brackets on my teeth was neither here nor there - no more a thing to celebrate or for which to be apologetic than my glasses.
I was quite pleased with the honest responses in this thread until this comment. Somehow, Meryaten lives on an island of tranquility where braces merely 'are.' If braces make you feel good, great, good for you. If they have "cramped your style" well it's good to get feedback from others. But what I don't care for is the patronizing attitude that people are not entitled to feel the way they do. If you believe your smile shouldn't affect how you feel then you didn't need braces in the first place. While you may claim some medical necessity i'm sure you could of done something more cost effective that would of alleviated the problem rather than braces.
Why don't you just get down off your almighty high horse and allow that my feelings are just as valid as anyone else's, none of which I have belittled or criticised in any way - I did not say those people were not entitled to their feelings, but you, in your hypocritcal hubris, have told me that I am not entitled to mine; not to mention your smug, and not at all thinly veiled implication that my responses have somehow been less "honest" than others.

If you don't think it's a shame for people to be so upset by their braces that their lives are negatively impacted, then you are seriously lacking in empathy; but then since you couldn't detect the slight hint of envy I have for those who derive extra confidence from braces, then I guess we can see that indeed you do lack both empathy and critical reading skills.

Ok, before everyone jumps on one person or anothers bandwagon i'd like to say some things. I'm not here to attack anyone and I do respect Meryaten's point of view so i'm not her to belittle her. She is correct, however; she is entitled to her opinion as am I. So i'll state it here.

I think we all sometimes lose sight of the differences that people embody. Some are short, some are tall, fat/skinny, laid back/out going etc. The issue here is with braces though. We've chosen, for whatever reason, to get braced mainly for the improvement in ourselves, may that be for medical reasons or cosmetic or whatever. I doesn't matter. The point that I want to make is that while, in my opinion, getting braced is a good choice for all that make it, it does not always end up being the easiest.

I used to frequent this site often when I was first braced but quickly stopped coming here because some people (not meryaten) would have this kind of holyier than thou, you should be affected by anyone attitude. I really disagree with this. If you interact with people in the world you will invariably care about what their opinion of you. Maybe not about the braces. If those of you reading are doing well in your braces, good for you.

Some aren't that way though. Some feel that the braces really take away from their overall aesthetic appearance or whatever it may be. All I want to say is that it's ok to feel that way. People have a right to feel like they're not at their best. I guess the issue really boils down to confidence? Some people have it, and shouldn't (overconfident). Some people don't have it, and should (lack of confidence). Where that balance strikes is up to you.

I will speak against this condescending attitude of "it's a shame you feel bad, because I sure don't!" Well not everyone is you. Allow people to feel however they do, share your own experience, but don't judge them for how they feel. Take a good look at yourself.

#53 Post by **fluffybottom** » Fri May 16, 2008 5:01 pm

Goodness gracious, people. Love your braces, hate them or feel indifferent towards them, there's no need to break out the insults, bold fonts, italics, head-bobbing, oh-no-you-didn'ts!

Just chill.

#54 Post by **kudos213** » Fri May 16, 2008 5:11 pm

Meryaten wrote:Feeling self-conscious about braces is not wrong, nor has anyone ever tried to say so. But it is not necessary as such, and more importantly it hurts the person. As such, if people can find a way to get past that, they are better off. Would we be evil to suggest that if someone were unable to have an enjoyable life because they are suffering from crippling arthritis that they should look for a way to alleviate that? It's not that people's feelings of self-consciousness about braces aren't valid - it's that they're not beneficial to them. The only impact people feeling like that have on me (when they are not attacking me and calling me a liar because I don't feel the same way) is that I feel sorry for them, because I know it could be otherwise.
It's not right vs wrong - it's constructive vs destructive (vs., for those islanders among us, null)

So let me ask you: WHY ARE THE PEOPLE WHO ARE INDIFFERENT TO BRACES NOT ENTITLED TO EXPRESS THESE OPINIONS WITHOUT CONSTANTLY BEING BERATED FOR DOING SO, CALLED LIARS, AND/OR HAVING FALSE REASONS FOISTED UPON THEM FOR THEIR OWN DECISION TO SEEK ORTHODONTIC TREATMENT??

If all you want to hear about are the negatives feelings, just be up front and put that in the thread title, and tell the rest of us that our positive or indifferent feelings are not welcome in your thread.

Ok, i'm not calling you a liar. I actually like this post of yours as well. Let me share my thoughts.

It's not necessary to feel self-conscious. That's your statement. Okay.

A lot of things aren't necessary. Listen your motives are good, I realize that. But my point is that even if something isn't necessary, that doesn't mean that we don't experience it. Anxiety, frustration, pain, sorrow...these things may not be 'necessary' though we may go through them, and we go through them with your reasoning in mind-with the hope of getting through them and feeling better. I'm agreeing with you. However, I think that the emotions we feel while going through these things is dignified in at least the respect that we feel that we are entitled to feel them.

If you felt fear, or pain, someone may try to help you. But they don't do that when they profess disdain that you're even feeling that in the first place. Don't stomp all over them. You think you are being constructive, but it comes off a little sideways.

"You have a job interview and you're feeling nervous? Well the fact that you feel that way saddens me. I've never felt that way, because job interviews were neither positive nor negative...they just were."

Fine. Maybe you do feel that way. But I don't think that entitles you to denigrate them.

"Hey, don't be nervous you'll be fine."

"Hey, I don't feel bad and this is why..."

These would work. What if I told you that the way you think 'saddens me' meryaten? Would you start thinking of why you're logically wrong, or would you be a little offended without even listening to my reasoning?

$0.02

#55 Post by **danish** » Fri May 16, 2008 5:33 pm

what a lively debate we have today! Haha

well....first of all nobody should insult anybody on the forum whether openly or indirectly and call each others names (liars etc).

Second, eventhough a certain attitude is not beneficial to someone, he/she should be entitled to express his/her attitude without being reminded to smarten up and adopt a better attitude. Friendly advice is good. Patronising remarks are bad.

third, I'm not saying that being negative about ones braces is something to strive for. I don't believe wallowing in ones selfpity and pain is the right way. However, sometimes it's just not possible to adopt a positive attitude. It's not like one can press a button and all negative attitude vanishes. It's not like the world disappears because I close my eyes and tell myself that I'm irresistible with braces, because I know that I'm not!

Fourth, actually I started the thread to hear all opinions on the matter. It's not a secret but I'm intrigued about the confidence boost that braces give certain people here. If I could learn something from them, that would be great. If not, that's also OK because we are all in the same boat anyway.

Respect

Danish

#56 Post by **fluffybottom** » Fri May 16, 2008 5:45 pm

danish wrote:third, I'm not saying that being negative about ones braces is something to strive for. I don't believe wallowing in ones selfpity and pain is the right way. However, sometimes it's just not possible to adopt a positive attitude. It's not like one can press a button and all negative attitude vanishes. It's not like the world disappears because I close my eyes and tell myself that I'm irresistible with braces, because I know that I'm not!

Aaaaaaaaaaactually... don't discount 'faking it until making it'. I had a therapist who used Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Basically, we would break down a problem into thoughts, feelings and actions with the understanding that each had an effect on the other. An example would be..

Thought: I look horrible in braces.
Feeling: Depressed
Action: Decreased socializing

The strategy was to change one of the three and, eventually, that change would effect the other aspects. Usually 'thought' or 'action' were the easiest to change. So to combat depression in regard to braces, the suggestion would be to catch yourself when you find yourself thinking 'I look horrible in braces' and make yourself say something positive instead -- it doesn't matter at first if you sincerely believe it. Getting into the habit of telling yourself 'I look cute in braces!' will eventually take hold and become sincere. Another angle would be to force yourself to socialize more and experiencing positive experiences will effect one's thoughts and feelings on the matter.

It sounds simplistic and if it worked for everyone, that's the only kind of therapy that therapists would use. However, it can be incredibly effective. Worked great for me!

#57 Post by **danish** » Fri May 16, 2008 5:56 pm

I agree. A negative attitude is a vicious circle leading to decreased selfconfidence. Cognitive therapy and NLP techniques are powerful tools which could without a doubt be helpful for a lot of people in braces for whom their braces are a psychological barrier.

Danish

#58 Post by **danish** » Fri May 16, 2008 6:43 pm

that being said I must also add that nobody is going to become e.g. the president of the US just because he/she feels like one.

You could then say that it doesn't matter what one is (irresistible with braces) as long as you feel like one who is (thereby implying that the distinction being and feeling is irrelevant and theoretical).

I would have to think about that...

Danish

#59 Post by **fluffybottom** » Fri May 16, 2008 7:00 pm

danish wrote:that being said I must also add that nobody is going to become e.g. the president of the US just because he/she feels like one.

Hopefully that doesn't apply to Obama!

I think the key issue is that if one sits back and tells themselves 'I look horrible in braces!', that's it. No action is being taken, nothing is going to change. If you tell yourself that you look good or force yourself to smile despite being self-conscious or make yourself socialize even if you want to hide inside, you at least have a chance of changing your perspective because you are actively doing something to better your situation. Isn't it better to take a shot at happiness than to have a 100% success rate with passive misery?

I am not saying this to invalidate people's feelings. Everyone has every right to how they feel. But why do things have to stop there? I think people get caught up in the 'I have a right to my feelings and I should be free to express them!' argument and don't progress to the problem-solving aspect.

It's okay to feel blue about one's braces. But once one has recognized and acknowledged that fact, I pose this question:

Whatcha going to do about it?

#60 Post by **Neptune** » Sat May 17, 2008 8:13 am

Like any change to your appearance, whether sought out or imposed upon, you never know how such changes will affect your attitude.

Prior to getting braces installed, I was gung-ho about making a positive change to my appearance. Unlike many others, I decided to go forth primarily for vanity reasons, the first of which to better align my six upper front teeth despite the fact that many friends stated that my teeth were fine. But immediately AFTER getting braces, my self-esteem DROPPED! My appearance looked so different within such a short period of time, that it was more than a bit shocking to get used to at the moment. As such, I acted accordingly: didn't smile as much, didn't talk as much, generally wasn't happy. In addition to the general sadness for MY OWN DECISION, I was dealing with a seemingly everlasting dull pain in my mouth. The biggest issue I had when I got braces was, "How am I going to talk to people?" The thing is, I was confident enough prior to getting braces, but I had built my confidence up for the appearance I had without braces. The confidence would just have to be worked on again now that I have braces.

Now that almost six weeks have gone by, the braces are less of a source of discomfort. I'm getting more and more comfortable speaking in front of others (it helps that my full lips succeed in hiding them), getting more comfortable smiling, and I'm spending less time thinking about them during any given activity. I'm still holding off on smiling in pictures (they WILL end up on Facebook - I understand c00ky83!). Perhaps in time that, too, will change.

My favorite post in this entire thread was by bracednconfused. She (I assume) hinted on several great points. The fact that they are 25 - as I am - indicates a level of immaturity and lack of confidence that can be difficult to distance oneself from at such an age. No matter how comfortable I'm getting with the concept of being braced, I still find myself hiding my laugh behind my hand, and I've caught myself attempting to hide them with my lips when I talk. Like maturity and confidence, these are issues that only time itself will correct.

Danish, I just wanted to thank you for creating such a great topic of discussion. I have found significant value in it (excluding the arguments). EVERYONE represented a wonderfully varied, yet valuable, perspective on what it's like to wear braces. This path to dental correction has - so far - taught me that what you *think* others see in you is rarely what others ACTUALLY see when they look at you. I've gotten so much positive feedback and support from family, friends, and strangers that being braced has caused me to be more grateful for all the people that populate my life.