Angel269's Story

[Angel269]

Dee-I don't eat red meat so the steak issue has never been an issue.

I've come on this board to vent-I feel like I could cry and am very upset.

I mentioned to my mum that a friend had some infant size trainers that were barely worn that I was buying off her. Mum then said you moan about paying about £23 for a brand new pair of children's shoes yet you paid around £1500 to have your teeth done! She then hung up after I told her that I had in fact spent that on me (I'm renowed for being very frugal).

I was very upset and told her the honest truth that I paid to have this done for me and she then said you would never spend that much on yourself. I did because I knew that my teeth were really affecting my life-my inability to smile, have photos taken and would have an impact for when (and if) the time came for my son to go through the braces ordeal.

I just don't know what to do, whether to speak to her on the phone or wait for her to then contact me? It just seems that the subject of me doing this for myself and the financial side of things will just never leave the back of my mum and sister's minds.

Rant over

[Dee17]

Oh, God, that must be so upsetting. It's bad enough to undertake an ordeal like this but to not have any support from your family must make it three times as hard. I'm sorry you had that argument with her. Honestly? I don't feel I can offer you any advice. It's really just not my place to do so. And I suspect that if you are like me, you just needed to dump and get it out of your system. Do you have any friends near you who are supportive to what you're doing? If so, maybe you can go and have a good cry on one of their shoulders. Try to keep your objectives in mind... that you are doing this for yourself because you want to have a nice smile. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that. And the idea that you are spending some money on yourself is not a bad thing either. I think that most moms tend to always put themselves at the absolute bottom of the heap. If you suspect that your son will eventually need braces you are being a role model for him. That will be invaluable to him when the time comes. Courragio, bella. This is a time-limited problem. I'm sure it feels devastating right now but you are doing it for the right reasons. Just try to remember that. Hope this helps.

[Angel269]

Hi Dee

Thanks for your message.

My husband couldn't believe what my mum said (well he could but was not impressed). It feels like whenever I am reluctant to pay out for something or quibble a price my mum always brings up that I have paid to do this myself-It is like she is a stuck record/the only thing she has to argue with me about. If it's not the subject of the cost of me having "my teeth done" it is arguing about my dad (or a combination of the 2-she is so convinced he has paid for this to be done, yet he doesn't even know i've done this!)

I don't know when my mum will decide to talk to me again-she was in the wrong by what she said and judging my financial choices then hanging up! It's her birthday next Saturday and mine 9 days later-I don't know what to do and if she will want to see me or if she will still be thinking and unhappy with my financial choices.

For once I have done something for me because I am fed up of looking like "me". I was bullied alot for my appearance as a teen and the fact I had very different interests (liking Duran Duran in 2000's just opened a whole load of amusement to people). I had the odd comment about my teeth (very few but still some), my skin is still terrible (acne scaring) if I had more money I would have laser on that too, or even chemical peel or microdermabrasion and I was very slim but when my depression kicked in my weight slowly crept up to a from a UK 10 to UK 12 and now post baby I am a UK 14.

I want to have a level of self confidence as I know it will help me personally and professionally and besides having this ortho treatment includes addressing my deep bite, whch I am pretty sure is the main factor behind my years of bruxing (so not purely cosmetic).

It just feels so much better to vent my thought, I feel like a weight has been lifted.

(Sorry if I was ranting/venting too much).

[Dee17]

As the mother of four adult children, let me tell you that it was very difficult for me to accept that they had all finally become grownups. Regardless, I think it is very inappropriate for ANY parent to make judgements on how their child spends money. I assume that you are self-sufficient and are not dependent on her for financial support. Even if you were, it would still be none of her business.
I think that maybe you should take the approach of trying to educate her about the long-term dental implications if you didn't take care of this problem. Talk to her about the way you were bullied and that it is important to you that you have a nicer appearance. Talk to her about your concerns about what is going to happen when your son needs braces -- that you want to be a good role model for him.
Give it some time. She will probably come around. In the meantime, when she gets on to wanting to talk about your braces and/or the money you've spent on it, try not to engage in that conversation. Change the subject. Take class on "Assertiveness Training" if you can find one. Dealing with interpersonal problems with family members is often THE hardest thing to do. Because you find yourself in a position of both loving and really resenting the person at the same time. Being able to accept those kind of "black and white" feelings occurring in the same moment can be very hard. Just keep telling yourself what your true objectives are and try to tune out as much of the other "noise" as possible. Hope this helps. Hang in there!!!! We've all got your back here! xoxo

[BetsyBug]

Angel,
I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. I personally agree that its not your mom's business (nor is it my mom's business either ) how much you spent to fix your teeth or when or why it has come to pass. My Mom about passed out when I told her I was getting braces and totally tried to convince me not to. (even though it was necessary to prevent more damage to my teeth) she kept saying surely there was a night guard or something other then braces... (she has a severe dental phobia) I have found its easiest to just avoid conversation that includes the things we disagree on. My husband and I have pretty much decided both of our Mom's are wierdos.. LOL
If I were you I would just lay low, wait until she calls you up. She needs to be able to see that you are grown and don't need her telling you what to do (unless you ask )
I hope things get better ))hugs((

[Dee17]

Hi Angel,
I agree with Betsy Bug's posting. And in reflection, I was thinking that it may have more to do with your mother's own dental phobia. Am I correct in thinking that you wrote about that some time ago? So, just go about your business and do not focus on trying to get support and encouragement from someone who obviously can not give it. Hang in there!

[Angel269]

Dee & BetsyBug thank you for your helpful and kind comments

My mum does not have a dental phobia, my dad however had an extreme dental phobia like mine (he is now able to receive treatment but not overkeen still).

My mum also has an upper midline diastema (not as bad as mine) and because I refused treatment as a teen I think she assumed I would never want to do anything about my teeth. I think in addition to my fear of braces I didn't want to do anything because none of my family had ever had braces so I never felt there was a reason to.

In addition to the concerns in relation to my son's teeth and my lack of self esteem when talking to people I recently saw a photo of me that was taken side on and without my knowledge and I just saw how awful my teeth were, which made me realise that I could avoid photos when knowing that they were being taken but this recently made me realise I could not avoid all photos.

I have absolutely no financial ties with my mother-Me and my husband have always been self sufficient which is why I find what she said even more upsetting that she felt she was able to make comments the way she did. I also find that as I still have a relationship with my father and my mother and sister don't they always think he is financially helping me out, which he has not done so arguments automatically go back to my teeth or him or a combination of the two.

I just cannot wait for these babies to come off and have the gorgeous smile that I have secretly longed for for many years, which my phobia and others opinions put me off doing. I will feel that I will look better and feel better about myself which will have a positive impact on my life and hopefully make me less introvert

[Dee17]

Hi Angel,
I was wondering if the fact that your mother also has a mid-line diastema which she never had corrected for some reason may be what is causing her to be hostile to the idea that you are taking steps to fix hers. I think that in situations like this whenever the other person brings up a subject that you don't want to talk about to say something like, "I really don't feel comfortable talking about." and then change the subject. If she continues to try to come back to it, just repeat that original statement. If that doesn't work, you will need to tell her that you do not wish to continue talking to her if she will only talk about that subject and then terminate the conversation (nicely) if necessary. Honestly, it seems to me that this whole dynamic may have everything in the world to do with her and nothing to do with you. I know it's difficult to manage a person like this. But if you stick to your guns, she will eventually get the message and back off.

[Dee17]

Just realized that I wrote "that you are taking steps to fix hers" when what I meant to write was "that you are taking steps to fix YOURS"

[smilehope]

Hi Angel

Sorry to hear about all this hassle you've been having. My own Mum finds the whole thing vaguely amusing I think. She teased me a bit when I had the bite plate & was lisping ( I was expecting it though - tact isn't her strongest point) but now seems to have decided to avoid the subject.

In terms of finances you know your Mum's argument is ridiculous. Just because we decide to spend a large amount on something (teeth / house / whatever) doesn't mean that we're not careful with our day to day spending. "Look after the pennies and the pounds look after themselves" was the old saying. Well, the scale is a bit different these days but you know what I mean. My children go to private school but wear second-hand uniform. There's a logic in there somewhere...

How about writing a letter to your Mum? It might be a bit easier to explain things that way. And you could ask for her support, or say that you want to be in contact but would rather not discuss teeth / finances / whatever. In any case, you can always come back here for more ranting!

[Angel269]

Thanks for all your suggestions.

I remember mum said when I started treatment "there is nothing wrong with your teeth-besides it adds character". I found that so offensive but said nothing.

I just won't talk about it but get so annoyed that whenever there is a dispute it comes back down to me "paying to have my teeth fixed".

It's more than that to me-it's about gaining some self confidence and kinda starting afresh appearance wise and getting away from the parts of my image that upset me from my past (bullying wise). When I get these babies off i should've lost some weight, tried to sort my skin out a bit and restyled my hair.

I hate to sound shallow but I feel that my appearance has let me down as it's knocked my confidence, especially my inability to smile.

[Dee17]

You know, Angel, at some point we all have to give up worrying about what others think about us. I know that is easier said than done and let me tell you, it is not always easy when you are in your twenties. But if you are really doing this in order to regain some self-esteem over your appearance, than what do you care what she thinks? You are certainly entitled to your opinion as much as she is. Just let it go in one ear and out the other. By taking her bait each time, you are allowing her to control both the relationship AND you. Even if she thinks you're spending your money foolishly, so what? It's your money. Therefore it is your decision. As long as you are not asking her for her opinion, just nod your head and say, "Thanks for your opinion, Mum," and carry on with your business. As I said before, if she eventually learns that she will not be able to get a rise out of you she will eventually get the message and move on. And you won't have your braces forever, either!

[Angel269]

Thanks Dee.

If I had them forever I never would have done this! I will be pleased in about 4 months when they are off and hopefully my teeth will be shaped to compliment me new smile too. I know that I will be needing some composite anyway around the canines anyway which will alse be done at what I believe to be the time of debonding.

My diastema still has not closed and don't think it would have done by my next appointment-I'm hoping for a weaker powerchain below the archwire on my front two teeth then teh otehr powerchain across 6 as planned at my next appointment.

On the upside today I did purchase some lipstick today, knowing that as soon as my diastema has closed it will be time to start practising my smiling! (I know that sounded so cheesy by hey it's the real time to start).

[Dee17]

Doesn't sound cheesy to me at all! It's a step in the right direction, a positive way to start to 'own' your new look. it's funny because I was out for dinner last week with a friend and I was saying how eye opening this whole business of contemplating getting braces had been for me. That if you had asked me even three months ago if I thought I was a vain person, I'd have said, "No way!" But that as soon as I made the decision to get braces all I could think about was how they would change my appearance and I felt bad about how vain that made me. She said, "I don't think that's being vain at all! Everyone needs to have pride in their appearance. In the same way that you want to look your best when you go out and so you put on a nice outfit or wear your best shoes, having a nice smile is part of that." When she put it to me that way, I thought, "Wow, maybe she's right. Maybe it isn't about me being vain, just wanting to look my best." I think that's the same for you, too. You needn't be ashamed of it. Going through the process of wearing braces for this length of time has been a tremendous commitment to your overall appearance. You have nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, you should be very proud of the positive step you've taken. Go forward with pride and don't look back or let other people tell you differently!

[Kipepeo]

Wow Angel, I really feel for you. While reading your thread there were 2 things I wanted to say, and were said by others:

When someone makes a comment that is hurtful, just politely thank them for their opinion, and say nothing else. This deflates them, and keeps YOU in control of the issue.

Maybe your mother is unsupportive of your decision, because she has her own internal issues with her appearance, and is actually jealous. I also think that maybe she is a bit hurt that she herself could not help you when she was responsible for you. These are her issues, if this is the case. Not yours.

Stay strong, it won't last forever.